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TITLE: When Mulder Did Scully
AUTHOR: Tesla
RATING: NC-17 for a really bad situation
ARCHIVE:
SPOILERS: Only my appetite
KEYWORD:
DISCLAIMERS:
SUMMARY:
NOTES: Curse you, MaybeAmanda! If my MulderClone were here, I would have less time on my hands.
And, though she murmurs, "We barely know each other," the mighty Emerex is my Beta.
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Mulder lay on his back, staring sightlessly up at the ceiling. He prayed that Scully would fall asleep, or at least pretend to fall asleep, so he could sneak out. Sneak out and write that letter requesting reassignment. Before she could track him down and shoot him, and not in the shoulder.
Jesus. He remembered telling someone that, just like there is no bad pizza, there is no bad sex. Wrong! Go home and hit yourself several times in the head. She knew he would shoot him like a dog for not spending the night, but the thought of having to wake up with her almost made him hyperventilate.
How did…well, he knew how it happened.
They had been at her place, going over files. Scully seemed down, and he had been joking and flirting, trying to cheer her up. When he got ready to leave, he had leaned down to kiss Scully a brotherly goodnight on the cheek, and she had moved her head and kissed him on the mouth. He almost dropped his manila folders. She seemed to think something else was in order, so he kissed her back. She kissed him, he kissed her, et cetera, and they moved to the couch, and, (I swear I only had two Coronas, sir, he tried to mentally project to Skinner.) he slipped her the tongue.
She got rather enthusiastic, and crawled on top of him. That was when he should have disentangled himself, because he didn't feel nearly as sold on the idea of doing the wild thing, as was his partner. There he was, atop the slippery slope, one foot in the teetering sled. But hell, he hadn't had any for a long time, and he'd fantasized, in the nice hot shower sort of way, of having sex with Scully, or any woman with all of her teeth, for years.
So he jumped on the sled, and now look. He was in bed with a happyhappy Scully trying to snuggle with him. Surely this nightmare couldn't get worse? And he was missing SportsCenter.
She had seemed to interpret his erection as a signal to grind her hips into his; and then, it would have been just rude to stop. Not to mention dangerous. Hell, she was just as desperate as he was, and he knew that since her apartment had been broken into, she kept several loaded guns handy.
It was awful.
She had dragged him into the bedroom, and of course, he could have walked into the door! Stubbed his toe! Run for his life! But no, she performed a hideously embarrassing strip tease, apparently just for him. Or maybe…maybe she always stood in the middle of the room and stripped. He could tell she was excited because she didn't neatly fold her clothes on the chair, but dropped them on the rug. He wrestled with a stubborn lace on his running shoe while she crawled behind him on the bed and rubbed her breasts against his back.
That had felt good. And she had made all the right ecstatic noises. He knew he had a talented tongue. She really liked that. The clawing on his back told him that. But he'd expected to be more interested in the proceedings.
But she was so small…she obviously used a Wonderbra…he felt like a lug for noticing and being put off by her little breasts. And by the discovery that she wasn't a natural redhead. And he didn't know what else she liked; she didn't say anything other than the standard, "Oh, Mulder." She just lay there. She was doing nothing for him, and she barely moved. And then, he knew she faked it, that second set of squeals. He knew it. He never thought that fucking Scully would be so--boring. If it had been a girl he just met, he wouldn't ever call her back. Screw that sensitive male shit.
When Harry Met Sally , he thought miserably. Now he knew the real reason Billy Crystal sneaked out. Scully was going to want to do it all the time, and she was going to kill him when she realized that it was only…okay. That he was just a normal, male…pig. Yes. A pig, a profoundly miserable pig who was glad he had a condom on and faked his own orgasm, then slid off to the bathroom to get rid of the lack of evidence down the toilet. He had no desire to get back in bed, but he couldn't think of a way to get his jeans and those damned shoes on without raising discussions of "How was it?" At least she was genuinely smiling.
He'd had better with Kristen The Vampire Chick. That one time with Diana, in the name of all that was tainted and evil. He'd had better with The Sixth Sins, and found himself feeling nostalgic for the simple joys of masturbation.
Scully, meanwhile, curled up in a ball of bliss and went to sleep, planning the wedding.
X-files Fic
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