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Nothing Gained Part II
by Spirit
Author : naughtyspirit@cableinet.co.uk
Rating : R
Summary : Prior to 'City of', Kate and Lindsey became involved, (straight
and narrow) this story takes place a few months later, but still before
Angel's arrival in LA.
Disclaimer : Oh please, if he was mine, you wouldn't find me writing.
Although I'm pretty sure Joss doesn't have those kinds of designs on the
man.
Notes : Lar and ethrosdemon - unbeatable for plot, dialogue and stopping me
yelling fluff at any given moment. This belongs to you both. And extra hugs
to Lar who practically wrote half of this when I got stressed out.
~~~
Lindsey stares at the wall, minding his own business and determinedly not
looking elsewhere. God only knew if the psychics use the men's room as a
place to invade, but Lindsey has no intention of being fodder today. He has
other things on his mind than Wolfram and Hart. Things that require more
time than inter-house politics and whose neck is spread over the block
today. He's aware his work has been steady lately, that Holland hasn't given
him glowing reports, but he hasn't had his ass hauled up and presented to
the senior partners either. Just a long slow slog, never failing, never
getting anything to sink his teeth into. And that suggests an entirely
different scenario - Kate sprawled out, face down on his bed, sheets tangled
round her naked thighs, little moans and cries as he nibbles his way round.
Whole body tensed tight as he finally reaches the right spot, limbs twisting
to give him easier access.
"Got a problem there, Lindsey?"
With a stifled groan, Lindsey shakes off, zips up and reaches the sink
without once acknowledging Lee's excessive smarminess. He rinses his hands
and catches his reflection briefly, sees the frown that wants to settle
there, pushes the annoyance away, tells himself that this isn't all of it.
His life does not end when he leaves the office - that's when it begins.
Lee stands next to him, polishing up his appearance in a way Lindsey just
doesn't understand. But then he's aware Lee doesn't have the advantage of
laid-back charm, can't wear his tie loose and his jacket unfastened without
looking untidy. He registers his own relaxed attire and grins faintly. This
is something money can't buy.
"So, I hear you're losing a case, Lee. That's got to hurt."
Lee straightens his tie and smoothes back his hair.
"You know I wouldn't do something so prosaic as lose."
"Really?"
Lee grins and Lindsey bites down on the urge to hit him. Maybe he can get a
punch bag installed in his office, or maybe he can just string Lee up by his
tie to much the same effect.
"I was discussing the matter with Holland, and he agreed with me that it
required a different expertise."
Lindsey casts a suspicious glance at Lee's reflection and stands back.
"You setting me up now, Lee?"
The other lawyer takes one final glance to check everything's in its place
and turns to Lindsey.
"Nothing so harsh. Look on it as an opportunity to get ahead."
"That so?"
He steps forward, doesn't wave his finger at Lee, doesn't grab him by the
collar. Is sure Lee knows that it's only the placing that's stopping him.
"I'll win your damn case, Lee. But don't fuck me over again."
"Or you'll do what? Get your detective to arrest me? You *that* good a fuck,
Lindsey?"
Lindsey glares at him and walks to the door.
"Told you before, Lee, you do not want this to get personal."
Lee laughs hard and walks past him.
"Lindsey, you keep screwing her - while you're thinking with your dick,
Holland's ear is mine."
Leans in close and whispers.
"Every time she spreads her legs, you're sliding down the ladder. You're
going down in every way and I can't tell you how that makes me smile."
As Lee moves through the door, Lindsey flings his arm back, smashing the
wooden frame against Lee's head, the satisfying yelp over much too soon. He
steps over the prone lawyer and walks back to his own office, smiling
pleasantly at Lilah.
"You might want to get him checked over - that man just seems to like
falling down.
Takes in her lack of concern and his grin widens - some days you just can't
lose.
~~~
Kate stares at the page again, still not seeing anything beyond blurred type
and bright colors. She refuses to check her watch, knows she's been sitting
in this waiting room forever and wonders if she's even going to see the
doctor before closing time. But she was the one who cancelled her
appointment to go today - she's the one sitting here on the off chance that
Dr. Beck can see her now.
She flicks the page over and looks up as yet another woman's name is
called - sees the couple go inside and how he holds the door open. Sees her
smile when he winks at her. Envies the ease with which they deal with this,
with each other and with bringing babies into the world. And she knows she
could have held off coming here until tomorrow, knows that Lindsey's all
keyed up and ready to come and be supportive and do all that, do everything
she could possibly need and still she's here alone. Kate figures it's
nerves, that she's probably reacting to some hormonal imbalance that she can
get something for and that she'll stop feeling so irrational about this as
soon as she's through here.
But right now, all she can think about is being unable to sleep. Remembers
how good the food was, how sweet the sex was, how he smiles just so when he
thinks she's not looking...and how his hand slid to her belly instead of her
breast when she heard him start to snore. It's been months since she fell
asleep without feeling him behind her, flush against her back, one arm
tucked under his head, the other stretched round to cup her breast, thumb
rubbing slowly across her nipple until he sleeps. She's woken countless
times as it starts moving again and he's just all too flush against her - no
sleep as they make love - he tells her she's made him insatiable and kisses
her until she starts to believe it.
She stayed awake last night, tired, but unable to rest. Felt his breath
against the back of her neck, even moved his hand up, but he stirred and
within minutes she could feel his fingers splayed out again and then sleep
was impossible. As he left for work, she phoned the station and made her
excuses - stayed off sick and came straight down here. She listened as the
receptionist told her it could be a long wait - that the doctor is very busy
and wouldn't she just prefer to come back tomorrow, nodded and said she'd
wait it out. Because he's all about something other than her now, all about
what she can give him instead of what she is. She feels it in his touch, in
the way he kissed her this morning before he left - chaste, almost
perfunctory instead of the sweeping Gone with the Wind embraces that make
her late and breathless. She knows his mind is elsewhere, feels it somewhere
inside and just wants this over with before he can come and ask how his baby
is.
"Ms Lockley?"
She looks up as the receptionist gestures her toward the door. "Doctor can
see you now."
Kate walks in, legs feeling heavy as she sits in the curved chair. She
shakes the doctor's cold hand and answers as many questions as she can with
what feels like a hollow calm. Looks up in surprise when she's asked if she'
s feeling all right.
"What?"
"I asked if you're feeling well, Kate. I understand this news has come as a
surprise, I'm just trying to establish whether it's a welcome one."
She sits in the chair, feeling frozen. Kate understands quite well what she'
s being asked, understands how that road leads to places she really doesn't
want to consider to closely. Discussions from college come echoing back, how
they wouldn't give up career and life and luxury for a baby. How they wouldn
't be so dumb as to get themselves knocked up and relying on some guy to
stand by them. How they'd do it all themselves when they chose to, man or no
man. She tries to see herself with the white picket fence and wearing Mom
clothes, can only remember the vaguest shadow of a woman gone too soon.
Thinks of Lindsey and how happy he is, how much he wants this and tries to
picture the family thing, sees this is Mom and this is Dad and Kate and
Lindsey don't fuck like rabbits when they're alone together. They just leave
the room - go to different corners of the house until baby comes back and
they know how to relate to each other again.
*You can do whatever you want, darlin'. I'll see to that.*
She wishes he was here now, so that he could listen to her explain all this
to the doctor. So that he would understand that it isn't that she doesn't
love him, she's just so damn scared that Kate's going to the back line
again, where everyone else matters more. And she knows it's selfish, that
she should be putting this child first, but she can't help how much that
scares her. Needs to feel him against her, hear him telling her she's
important, that he needs her. She wants to be in his arms, make love, grin,
squeal in delight when she comes, hear him groan, feel him shudder when she'
s the one who can give him pleasure. Realizes that she doesn't just need
him, that she wants him in a way that doesn't involve his fucking hand lying
on her fucking belly. And if she has their baby, she wants to know that
every night she goes without sleep has more than just Lindsey hovering over
a crib.
She swallows hard and unclenches her hands.
"I guess I was just unprepared for this."
"And you're unsure how to feel about it?"
She shakes her head. She knows how to feel about it - Kate's just not sure
she can.
~~~
Lindsey hangs his jacket up and dumps the briefcase by the side table. He
registers the other coat and wonders whether she'll think that a two-week
break is excessive. And then he imagines how relieved she'll be that they
have some time alone to talk about all this, make plans, make love.
Especially make love - he wants to spend days doing that, years on the
subject. Wants to feel her sigh and whimper when he gets it right and feel
that she needs him.
Oh yeah, he can spend a lifetime doing that.
Lindsey kicks off his shoes and walks through to the bedroom, sees her
sitting in the middle of the bed, sees her tears and wonders what in the
hell has broken through to make her cry. All this time and he's never really
even seen her reach for tissues, not movies, not the news and she's sobbing
in the middle of his bed...no, not sobbing now. He thinks that probably came
before he got home. Now all he has to deal with are tear-streaked cheeks and
arms wrapped tight round her knees.
He sits on the bed and reaches for her, tries not to be hurt when she
flinches. Moves a little closer and takes hold of her shoulders, pulling as
firmly as he can until she gives in and turns around, head buried against
his chest and she cries again. He tries to think why she's so upset, tries
to fool himself that maybe her asshole father is busy making her life
difficult before he uses his brain. But it couldn't be that, right? He's
happy about it, he's told her - he's going to be more than there for her, so
what does she have to worry about? He wonders if it's hormones playing hell
with her and tightens his arms, kissing the top of her head until she tilts
her neck back for a kiss. Lindsey wipes the tear trails away and kisses her
gently, biting down on the urge to make love, telling himself he needs to
listen now, needs to hear what's wrong and sort that before he can do what
he wants. Feels her deepen the kiss, wet trails next to his face and he
manages to pull back, keeps her close and tries to read the hurt in her
face.
"Want to tell me what's wrong, sweetheart?"
"There's nothing wrong."
He grins at that, kisses her again and leads back against the headboard,
brings her closer, feels her leg slide over his. Lindsey feels her hands
stray to his thigh, body already reacting as she moans against his mouth. It
's so easy now, watch the clothes fall away as he finds himself inside her,
pushing and pulling until they both explode and whatever's troubling her
gets buried forever. He doesn't want to take that kind of advantage, does
want it and settles for a long deep kiss until he feels the dampness on her
cheeks dry.
"Had a hard day, darlin'? Tired now?"
"I went to the doctor's."
He frowns now, hands almost in fists as he tries to get the words out.
"Is there something wrong with the baby?"
She flashes fire at him and he wonders how bad this is. How there could be
anything wrong with their baby - what traitorous genes have shown up to do
their damage.
"I'm fine," she says finally, "it just...I don't know, it just felt very
real."
"Real?"
She brushes her hair back from her face and tightens her arm round his
waist.
"Like I had to actually face up to there being a baby at the end of this."
He doesn't know what to say to fill the silence, doesn't understand what she
's saying. Guesses that she's overwrought, overtired and sees his position
in that. Lindsey strokes her hair, kisses her forehead and relishes this
closeness.
"Maybe you're just tired. You should lie down. Or have a bath. Let me go run
the tub for you."
She pushes away and glares at him.
"Damn it, Lindsey, I'm not an invalid and I don't need you to do things for
me."
He reaches out again, touches her arm and winces when she pulls away.
"Never said you were, sweetheart. I'm just trying to make it easier on you."
"You have no idea, do you?"
"No idea of what? We're both new at this - I know it must be a little scary,
but we'll be fine."
He smiles at her and takes her hand.
"You just got to let me take of you a little."
"People...women get pregnant all the time and don't get waited on hand and
foot."
"You're not other people, you're my girlfriend."
"And I'm not some spoiled little princess either, Lindsey! I'm a cop! And I
think I can handle running my own damn bath. And I don't want a bath, I want
a shower!"
He gets up from the bed and reaches into the closet, pulls out a towel and
gestures to the bathroom.
"Be my guest."
He's unprepared for it to come sailing back at him, holds his arm up as the
towel whips against his face.
"I know where the fucking towels are!"
Lindsey sets the towel down on the bed and rubs the bridge of his nose,
feels the headache threatening and tries to keep his cool.
"Anything I *can* do without pissing you off?"
"No! Yes...I don't know."
She hangs her head and Lindsey reaches for her again, finally feels her
coming back without being forced, and wraps his arms round her. Kisses away
the single tear and down to her lips, deep wet embrace as she meets his
mouth willingly. He feels her rub against his thigh and wants to keep her in
this mood. At least for five minutes, anyway.
"Kate, want some good news?"
"They've invented a drug to knock me out until it turns eighteen?"
He grins and nuzzles along her hairline.
"I booked us in at the Plaza next week. You can relax, get a little spa
action going, just take it easy."
"I'm working, Lindsey."
He shakes his head and bends to kiss her again.
"I took care of all that, you don't have to worry."
When she rolls away, gets off the bed, Lindsey wonders vaguely if he should
have asked first.
"You did WHAT?"
"Kate..."
"You went to my job? To my captain? Jesus Christ are you trying to screw my
whole career? Why would you do that?"
"I don't know, I thought it might make you happy. I mean we don't get a
whole lot of time together and I just thought..."
She holds her hand up and shakes her head.
"No, you didn't think, Lindsey. You didn't think at all. Because if for one
second you'd thought about something other than how this affects you, what
you want, you'd know that you can't do this."
He stands up, squares off to her and asks himself why he had to love such a
stubborn woman. Doesn't she know why he's doing this? Which point of 'I'll
be here for you, whatever happens' does she not get?
"Damn it, Kate. This isn't about me, it's about us. You know - us,
together."
She tilts her head back and glares at him with a malevolence he thought she
reserved for Holland.
"Which 'us' is that, Lin? You and me? You and this baby? Because I seem to
be out of the loop here."
"If you feel that way, it's because you want to see it that way. And you
know that."
He bites his lip and steps a little closer.
"You know I want this - want you. I'm not putting up obstacles here, I'm
just trying to make things simpler."
She breathes out heavily and he gets the hurt, doesn't know where it's
coming from. And when he tries to think why she has to growl at everything,
Lindsey wants to tell himself it's hormones working. Maybe it even is, a
little bit.
"You're trying to run this on a schedule, Lindsey."
"Well forgive me for pointing it out, but we don't have that long to get
organized."
"That's not what I mean. It's like," she shrugs, "you're trying to work this
into your career plans - I don't work that way."
"So we should just cruise along and you take a half a day off when you go
into labor?"
But she's not listening and when she starts counting things off on her
fingers, he wants to stop all this now, start again, put it to her in a way
she won't want to refuse.
"1999, buy new suit, get Mercedes, have baby..."
"Oh you forgot marriage there, Kate. I had that down too. But I guess you've
nixed that as well."
Her mouth drops open and he's ashamed he sees it as scoring a point. This
was not supposed to go this way - it was supposed to run, hotel, spa, sex,
will you marry me. And now that opportunity's gone - he can't get that back.
But he wants it, wants her and can't stand this feeling, can't stand being
on the losing side.
"We never talked about marriage."
"Well we never talked about babies either, but would you look where we are?"
"That's not fair and you know it."
He clenches his fist tight and presses it against his hip - don't freak out
now, don't screw it all up.
"I'm not fair? I can't do any more than I'm doing - you ask for something, I
'll get it. And not because I think you're some kind of princess."
She sighs and he thinks he can see tears threatening again.
"That's just it, Lindsey. You need to do less, not more. Need to stop
thinking of me as your baby's mother and just see Kate again. See me again."
"I never see anything else, darlin' - it's always you."
He closes the gap between them and runs his thumb along her cheek.
"Kate, I swear to you, I'm not trying to run your life, or turn you into
anything you don't want. I'm just trying to take care of you. And I know you
're not used to it, that you can manage yourself - I just don't want you to
have to."
A tear rolls down her cheek, creases into his hand and he smiles at her,
willing her to just see he isn't like her father, that he won't suddenly
withdraw affection and ignore her. That this could be the start of something
they both can work on.
"You need me to just back off, fine. Take a shower, take a bath - whatever
you need."
Hand wet now, tears still rolling and Lindsey kisses her gently, tastes salt
on her lip, feels the tremble.
"I'm going to take some time."
"That's fine. Use up all my hot water, I don't care."
"No Lin," she says gently, moving his hand from her face as she meets his
confusion head on. "I mean some time alone. To think things through."
He wonders if he's really feeling the cold now, or if it's all coming from
her.
"Kate, honey...don't say that."
"I can't think here. I just need to be on my own for a while."
"Away from me?"
She nods and Lindsey backs off, raises his hands.
"Look, I'll go out, take a walk. Go back to the office. Just...don't go,
okay?"
"I have to! If I don't go now, I won't be able to go at all."
"Then don't. Jesus, Kate, don't leave. Not like this, we can work it out,
talk..."
She can't seem to stop crying now and he pulls her close, despite her
resistance, strokes down her neck and shushes her. Kisses her cheek and
tells himself he won't beg, he doesn't need to - all he needs to do is get
her to see sense, not leave now or ever. And when he kisses her, tears
mingled with the general taste of her mouth, he wants to make her forget
everything but being here, wanting him, needing him - wants her to love him
as much as he does her.
When she stops struggling, he slides his hands under her shirt, touches bare
skin and breathes a sigh of relief when she returns the contact. Pulls at
him hungrily, shedding clothes as she kisses him. Stroking hands seeking out
needy places and when he falls backward onto the bed, there's no foreplay,
no waiting and he has to work hard to hold steady, hold off until she comes
because there's no break in her stride - Kate rocks against his body
mercilessly. It's over so quickly, body tingling as she falls forward,
breasts hitting his chest as he tries to get his breath back. And he doesn't
realize she's still crying until he feels the dampness on his cheek. Holds
her close until waves of fatigue wash over him and he sleeps, cradling her
against his body.
He doesn't feel her slip out of his arms, doesn't hear her dress. And when
the door shuts behind her, Lindsey rolls over in his sleep, arm wrapped
round the pillow, fingers splayed out and searching for the woman he loves.
It isn't until morning that the real hurt sets in, and Lindsey sleeps on,
unaware that his bed is empty.
Unaware how much time she needs.
~~~
End part two
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