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Nothing Gained Part I
by Spirit
Email : naughtyspirit@cableinet.co.uk
Rating : NC17
Summary : Prior to 'City of', Kate and Lindsey became involved, (straight
and narrow) this story takes place a few months later, but still before
Angel's arrival in LA.
Disclaimer : Oh please, if he was mine, you wouldn't find me writing.
Although I'm pretty sure Joss doesn't have those kinds of designs on the
man. If he does, where's THAT site?
Notes : Lar and ethrosdemon - unbeatable for plot, dialogue and stopping me
yelling fluff at any given moment. This belongs to you both. Lar - thanks
for the beta *g*
~~~
Kate stands in the shadows as her father passes in the office. She's not
afraid, or ashamed of him, but it's been months now and he doesn't even
raise a cursory hand when she's near. If she thinks about it too much it
threatens tears and Kate refuses to consider such a thing. Until she hears
the door open again, she compiles lists in her head - get groceries, don't
forget 'full-fat' milk, check the rent went through, pick up the dry
cleaning. Before she gets back to her desk, she cancels the last order and
wonders whether she should just ring Lindsey and tell him she'll pick it up
this time. He's either having an affair with the petite blonde who runs it
or he gets really good discount.
She skims through the paperwork and fills in the details, tapping on the
keyboard until the right name comes up. Purposefully doesn't look at
representation and wonders if she can get some kind of block on dealing with
him publicly. She's aware that even though she's kept this low key - told no
one at the office, they all know. No one's said anything yet, but she's
heard vague hints in the bathroom and come up against Jake's suspicious
inquiries. And somehow, when she slides in between the cool sheets, sees him
actually smile Kate figures it's worth it.
He makes her feel all too irrational - whispers in her ear everything she's
wanted to hear...everything she's too staid to do. Puts it in ways she doesn
't want to refuse, kisses her until she's quite sure he must be trying to
suffocate her and then he pulls back. And Kate's always hungry for more. She
's always nearest the phone, nearest the alarm clock, touched when he moved
them round to her side of the bed -something they haven't mentioned. That
affectionate perception is as much a part of him as the slanted smile or the
curve of his hand. She likes that, keeps coming back and into his arms as
she asks herself if something good is actually possible now. If they can
build more than an attraction between enemies.
The phone rings and as she reaches out to answer it, Kate pauses to let that
vague dizziness pass. That's just something she's not quite up to thinking
about just yet. That can wait...for an hour at least.
"Detective Lockley."
"Mmm, you're sounding good, detective. Now how can I turn that attention in
my direction?"
She grins and turns her chair round so that she doesn't have to see Jake's
disgust.
"Could always commit a crime - I'll be with you in minutes."
"Promoting criminal behavior? Detective, I'm appalled."
"Then don't call me at work."
She hears him breathe out, pictures how he does the same when he's inside
her, propped up on his elbows, sweat shining down his neck and chest, beads
across his forehead. Knows all that isn't appropriate, remembers being
wholly wicked within the station and counts the hours until she can lay her
hands on the charcoal shirt she knows he's wearing and find it a place at
the foot of the bed.
"Then do me for obstructing a officer."
"*Do* you?"
Kate can almost see the smirk on his face. Taps her fingers along the desk
as she crosses her legs and wishes he didn't have an instant effect.
"Was that a proposition, detective?"
She shakes her head and tries to focus - best to find out what he wants and
get rid of him before she lets him talk her into orgasm.
"Not one I'm carrying out at work. What did you call for?"
"Getting off the subject, Kate?"
"Tolerating a lunatic."
"Lunatic, huh?"
Picking up the file, Kate wonders how they ever manage the quiet moments -
when she pictures him, it's rarely with his mouth closed. Not that the image
is all bad. She bites her lip when the memory of his lips comes starkly into
the present.
"Yeah and don't start giving me any crap about defamation of character. I
have to get back to work."
"Now I wouldn't want to get in the way of that, now, would I?"
She flicks through the folder and pulls out the mundane details, trying to
concentrate.
"Lindsey...what do you want?"
"Just wanted to make sure you liked Italian."
She frowns and checks the calendar.
"It's Tuesday."
"So?"
"I thought I was spared McDonald cooking this early in the week."
She hears him chuckle and prepares to hang up.
"I like Italian and I'll see you later."
"Wait."
Her finger hovers above the receiver.
"What?"
"Can you bring your cuffs home, cause I have this real urge to..."
"Bye, Lindsey."
She slams the phone back down and grins until that dizzy feeling comes back
and Kate's pretty sure this won't really wait an hour. She gets up from her
desk and makes her excuses before leaving the station. She just needs some
time.
And a really close pharmacy.
~~~
Lindsey's doorman nods to her as she passes through and up, still feeling
like an intruder even now. She jingles the keys as she passes, biting her
lip from telling him that yes, she is invited and yes, she knows he isn't
in. Kate tucks the bag tight under her arm as she hits the button, keeps
smiling pleasantly until the door shuts and she's out of his sight.
Logically, she knows she could have done this at the station or even more
sensibly at home. But she said she was coming here tonight and she sees no
reason why this should interfere with anything.
Breathes out heavily as the doors open again and she has to stop before she
reaches Lindsey's apartment, resting against the cool wall until she can
focus again. It takes her a minute to slide the key home, and Kate refuses
to let her hand shake, refuses to acknowledge that it is and she just wants
to know now. By the time she gets to the bathroom, she can barely stand up -
legs no longer steady enough to hold her. She grabs at his robe and sinks to
the tiles, hugging it to her chest as she tries to concentrate. Everything
spills from the bag and she watches as the boxes splay across the floor, one
tipping neatly over next to the bath and spilling out. Reads the bright and
cheery packaging and wonders if two minutes is going to stretch into
eternity.
But she's stronger than this, brighter than this and if at some time in the
past lust went overboard and knocked all sense out of the window, she's been
sensible since. She keeps her regular check up appointments, pays over the
counter in sane doses and she always knows that Wednesday's pill is to be
taken on Wednesday, not put off until she remembers. Certainly never when he
's just one hot summer of kisses and caresses and fingers and warm flesh.
Not then, not ever. She's flushed that little absentee tablet down the
toilet and figured the odds were on her side.
Perhaps she's got a bug - flu, something else. Something that she can
quickly rule out in the here and now as she reads in the instructions
properly. Pulls out each set of white papers and looks round for a
container. Kate flicks quickly past the 'for best results, use first thing
in the morning', figures that she can't wait that long. And at least one of
these has to work. And if she wants to stand in denial that's down to her,
but Kate would like something to be in denial, (or not) about. She manages
to get to her feet and pulls out an old unused cup from the kitchen, rinses
it out with water from the kettle and walks back into the mess in the
bathroom.
She sets them up, one by one, resting each in front of the mirror before
finding the bed. It feels so damn good to curl up here, still smells like
him, soft cotton beneath her fingers, boots kicked off somewhere as she
waits. Slides her hands to her belly and wonders. She would know, right? She
would know instantly, isn't that what she's been told? Every talk show she's
ever seen - women 'just knew', it's an instinct and Kate wishes that she had
even the barest hint that this was a fact. That this wasn't a fact. Maybe
she's just not like any of them - maybe she just wasn't built for this.
Maybe it's all a pack of lies and no one knows anything until something
turns blue, or has a window, or the doctor stands there with a sheepish grin
and asks if she's happy with this situation. And that's just all so subtle
isn't it - are you happy, do you understand, can you take the pressure. She
tries to imagine herself waking in the night, when her work is suddenly over
a crib, and all she can hear is empty screaming, endless and she just can't
quiet it. Pulls at the bedding and wonders how he'll look when she tells him
they just haven't been careful enough. And she can hear him asking all the
questions, why and why and why and wonders if he'll tell her straight out or
try to phrase it technically. 'Kate, we can't do this now, we don't have
time to take away from work. Why have you done this to yourself?'
And she knows she's doing him disservice, knows that he holds back a whole
world of longing on her behalf. But she wants to put the blame somewhere and
can't decide if blame is the word she's looking for. She looks at her watch
and starts shaking again when it ticks past time and the bathroom seems to
be far too white now. Kate slips gently off the bed and turns to smooth it
again, creases neatly removed before she walks into the light. She wants to
close her eyes and doesn't, reaches out one shaky hand to bring it closer -
wants to see for sure, wants to know that she's not going to run screaming
outside because of a nonexistent problem. And she's still now, very sane,
and when the next one tells the same story, and the next and the next, she
meets her reflection and breathes out calmly.
"Okay, this is when I should be having the breakdown I'm not supposed to be
having."
Raises a hand to brush her hair away from her forehead and halts when she
sees the test in her hand. Because it's all clear now and she knows, isn't
that what she wanted? Isn't that exactly what she did this for? And when
will she accept that this is all confirmation of what she does already know
and damn them all, damn everyone who's been here before because she didn't
need to skip a period, didn't need to have dizzy spells or an appointment
with the bathroom to know that she's very traditionally in trouble.
She stumbles to the pan and it all comes back, wretches until she can't feel
her throat anymore, wet under her eyes and her belly all cramped. Stands up
again and brushes her teeth, washes the last of her makeup away and faces
this version of herself head on. Stares until the image blurs and whispers,
"You're better than this." Picks everything up and throws it in the trash,
every last scrap of uncertainty torn away when she closes the lid. She
settles down on the sofa, draws the phone into her hands and finds her pen
and pad as she taps in unfamiliar numbers.
"Hi there, I'm making inquiries...oh, you have a line for that? Great."
She notes it down and begins the list, certain it's better to be doing
something than sitting there with the knowledge. Kate's pretty sure she can
think of enough things to ask them before she has to turn inward and ask
herself. And right now - that's what she needs.
~~~
"Evening Mr. McDonald."
Lindsey nods to Carl as he opens the door.
"Your lady friend went up a while earlier, sir."
Lindsey checks his watch, struggles to keep everything in his arms as the
Italian aroma fills the lobby. "Damn, I'm late. She been here long?"
"Came in at the beginning of my shift, sir."
Lindsey frowns and walks to the elevator. "Thanks Carl."
"Hope I didn't spoil a surprise."
"No, no, I'm sure it's fine."
He settles his jacket over his arm, food hanging next to his briefcase as he
pulls out his keys, opens the door and sees her standing there, pile of
papers in one hand. He has enough time to recognize how pissed she looks and
gives her a sheepish grin
"Sorry I'm late sweetheart, there was a hell of a line at the restaurant
and..." He registers the whiteness of her knuckles and bewildered
expression. "What's wrong?"
"I've spoken to Daily's and they just don't take anyone before three months.
Bearcare will, but they charge a damn fortune and even between us it's
stupid money. So unless I can find someone who charges less, we've got three
months to deal with."
He watches her take a deep breath and start pacing.
"As far as health insurance goes I'm covered but I don't even want to start
thinking about dealing with those bills yet. I can do that nearer the time.
Talking of which, I'm booked in for next Thursday to do...God knows what
they actually do, but I'll have to get the afternoon off work."
He wonders briefly if there was a memo he's missed, but she keeps talking
and he tries to listen.
"Leave from work...you know, I couldn't get through to anyone who actually
knew anything, so I'm going to have to do that from inside tomorrow. But I
think we're talking six weeks paid, six months unpaid. I think - I'll have
to confirm it, though."
She pauses and looks down at the handwritten notes. Lindsey blinks and takes
his hand off the doorknob, closes it behind him.
"Kate?"
She looks up sharply.
"What?"
"I think I've missed something here. What are we talking about?"
She's shaken, he can see that and although he thinks he knows what she's
saying, he needs to hear actual words. Feels like there's a big ball of
electricity around him and that everything is static between them. He sees
the pad fall from her hands and reaches to catch it, jacket dropping to the
floor along with everything else as he struggles to pick it all up.
"Kate?"
She swallows hard and then he hears her voice level out. Works out he's
standing here with the detective and hopes she'll go away for long enough
for his girlfriend to come back.
"God, I'm pregnant, Lindsey."
"Okay," he says, dumping the food in the kitchen and draping his jacket over
the chair. He drops the list back on the table and walks back to her. She's
seven levels of stunned right now and when he takes her hand, he doubts she
even feels it. "You're sure?"
She nods furiously. "Yes I'm sure, six tests, dammit, I'm very sure. I
couldn't be more sure."
As she flounders, he brings his hands up, face between his fingers as he
bends to kiss her. Soft lips under his own - still talking until they become
wet, opening as she starts to kiss him back, hands shaking as she clings to
him. Lindsey kisses her until he runs out of breath, moves his lips softly
over hers, caressing her with his mouth as his hands slide down her back.
She's still shivering and he gives in to the urge, bends to pick her up, and
walks into the bedroom. He doesn't stop kissing her when they lay down on
the bed, her arms still wrapped round his neck and it's all just lips and
tongues, fingers straying and holding as tight as they can.
"You're beautiful, Kate, so damn beautiful."
Manages to breathe out again and slides his hand under her shirt and moves
to unfasten her jeans. Unzips them and draws them off, lays his hand out
flat across her belly as he kisses her hard, feels her tense under his
fingers - wishes he could feel the baby already. And when she squirms he
bites down on her panties, pulls them off with his teeth and kisses his way
back up. Keeps one hand on her breast, one on her belly as he slides between
her legs and licks her inner thighs. Teases her with his tongue until he
hears her whimper, slips his own clothes free and covers her completely,
stripping her shirt as they lie skin to skin in his bed. He wants to call it
theirs, wants to give her everything and just see her smile and take it. He'
s never offered anyone before and it tears at him that she always seems to
be on the verge of running. Hopes that this is just part of it - a tie
between them that she won't want to break.
And as she raises her knees and welcomes him in, Lindsey finds her mouth
once more - matches the thrust of his tongue to his hips and feels her
curling her legs round his back, keeping him there, keeping him near. He
slides his hands under her shoulders and rocks against her, refusing to lose
any contact. Because this is what he owns now - this feeling actually
belongs here in this bed with her. And it doesn't matter what happens
elsewhere, because this is where he really exists and they're actually
building something more now. Moans her name as he makes love to her, feels
the softness of her skin beneath him and just wants to take care now - be
more than just the boyfriend. Wants to see a future with her in it, wants to
wake in the same bed with the same woman - wants to avoid that little
apartment uptown.
Kate sighs against his ear as he feels her whole body tighten. Muscles
clenching round him as her thighs tense on his hips. He hears the sigh
become a deep moan and as she comes, eyes closed and mouth open, he wants to
be able to say it, knows there's a good chance she'll freak out if he does.
Settles for stroking her face, kissing her gently until she opens her eyes
again, smiles at her and just wills her to know this isn't just sex, isn't
just partners at bedtime. That he's damn happy somewhere along the line
birth control went out the window. When she smiles up at him, he wonders if
this might just be the time to tell her.
But then she's far trickier than that and she squeezes him tightly, rocks
her hips at him until he can't help but lose control. He thrusts harder as
she wraps herself round him, feels everything tight and close and groans as
she brings him there, cock throbbing as he comes deep inside her. Lindsey
shudders against her neck and feels her mouth against his ear, tender kisses
as she welcomes him there. He shifts back onto his elbows and feels the heat
die down. Brushes her hair back from her face and kisses her softly.
"I can't believe you're having my baby."
She bites her lip and he wonders what's going through her head now.
"That a bad thing?"
"No! God no, it's amazing. *You're* amazing!'
He loves her when she smiles. Loves her when she's worried. Loves her,
utterly, completely and opens his mouth to say it when she kisses him.
"I didn't know if you'd be happy."
"Why would you think that?"
She shrugs and Lindsey realizes she really doesn't get it at all. Wonders
how many different ways he can make her understand that she's all he wants
now - that she *is* the one. Wonders if it was easier when all this talk of
relationship was something even man and wife didn't discuss.
"I am happy."
"I got that from the goofy grin."
"Making love to you didn't give you a clue?"
She grins and shifts beneath him.
"Nah, got it all from the grin."
Brief moment of perfection, then...
"Kate..."
"We should eat that dinner before it gets cold."
He closes his mouth and nods slowly before getting up and heading into the
kitchen.
"You stay there, you need your strength. I'll bring it in."
Kate sits up and wraps the sheets round her.
"You're letting me eat in bed?"
He turns back before he reaches the kitchen.
"You can do whatever you want, darlin'. I'll see to that."
I'll give you everything, he promises silently. I'll love you through
everything.
"Italian sounds good."
He smiles and walks into the kitchen.
~~~
End of part one
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