The Diary of Lex Luthor
by zahra

Pairing: C/L
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: They're not mine, I just use them to take the piss
Spoilers: Jitters
Dedication: To Lar for asking what Lex does on Saturdays. To Kass for saying she demands another one and to the rest of the WHO/SEP conglomerate.
Summary: It's a parody, people.
Notes: This idea is not mine. Helen Fielding did it first, Cassie Claire does it better, and I'm just a hack who is horribly underpaid. And yes, there is a Diary of Clark Kent.


Saturday, November 12

Weight: Not really any concern as long as can still fit Armani suits and get laid when want;
Cigarettes: Gave up two years ago, but still willing to partake in the occasional joint;
Alcoholic units: Two bottles of Pinot Grigio with dinner, one bottle of Dry Riesling from 1996. Good vintage.

7:00am - Wake up to vibrating bed, hangover, and confusion. Last vibrating bed was in motel in Miami. More people in bed that time. Realize fallen asleep on beeper and fling through open window.

8:00am - Wake up again to ringing phone. Unplug phone and roll back over.

8:15am - Heccubus at door. Will sack him as soon as fully awake. Go back to sleep.

8:20am - Heccubus at door again. Am awake and will sack him now.

8:21am - Heccubus not at door, Clark at door. Thought he had chores at this time of the morning. Some drama about Lana. Am not interested. Feign interest. Assure will solve all problems once taken shower and eaten.

8:45-8:50am - Check e-mail and discover dad has taken over Stephen's dad's pharmaceutical company. Result! Slight glee as Stephen is a dick, slight sadness as Stephen's brother, Nicholas, is a good fuck.

8:50-9:00am - Take fastest shower in Midwest. Much easier when no shaving involved.

9:00am-9:15am Choose clothing and get dressed. Make sure to wear pants that show off ass.

9:16am - Beeping from computer. IM from Dad demanding return of his call. What call?

9:17am - Spill bottle of Ty Nant over hard drive. What IM?

9:20-10:00am - Listen to Clark moan and groan while having breakfast. Unfortunately, moaning and groaning all regarding sucky puberty and Lana. No moaning and groaning for me. Damn. Promise will solve all problems when Clark comes over tonight for 'movies'. Heh. Result!

10:01am-10:02am - Watch Clark walk through back door

10:02am-11am - Dream about Clark walking through the door.

11am-1pm Fencing practice. Get ass kicked again. Think Heike still upset over rejection, but really not my type.

1pm-1:30pm - Take second shower of the day and change into different pants which show ass. V. important.

1:30pm - Notice beeping sound coming from closet. Investigate and find small camera. Not funny, dad.

1:32pm - Still beeping noise. Look under bed and find cell phone. Not sure how it got there. Voicemail from dad. Oops. Deleted by mistake.

1:35pm-2:30pm. Shoot pool. Really liking these new cues. V. smooth. Wonder what sort of wood they are made from?

2:30pm - Turn on flatscreen #1

2:35pm - Turn on flatscreen #2

2:40pm - Turn on laptop

2:41pm - Notice that all computers have same wallpaper. Nice security photo from art museum gala. Wonder if will use for Christmas cards. Download new disco tracks on flatscreens 1 & 2 while looking for new Buffy/Angel slash on laptop. Gunn is hot, but still miss Lindsey.

3:42pm - IM from dad on flatscreen #1. Turn off screen

3:43pm - IM from dad on flatscreen #2. Turn off screen.

3:45pm - IM from dad on laptop. Disconnect DSL by accident. Whoops.

3:46pm - Pick up Nietzche. V. boring, prefer Wilde, but as Clark is reading must read too so can seem cosmopolite.

4:45pm - Hate Nietzsche. Will read Kafka instead.

4:46pm - Have thought - hope Clark will not turn into giant roach. Would probably still be a hot roach though.

5:30pm - Check with staff to make sure leaving before Clark arrives.

5:35pm - Take Ferrari for spin. Dirt roads have poor traction. Find self driving past Kent Farm. Four times. Will stop doing drive-bys. Really.

7:30pm - Coming up drive way and spot Clark's sweater glowing in the dark. Red, good color. Green would be better. Pull into driveway with much peeling of tires and fishtailing. Get pouting and lecture about safety. Heh. Result!

7:35pm-8:00pm - Attempt to make microwave popcorn to impress Clark. Didn't know had to take out of plastic wrap. Will have cook buy new microwave in morning.

8:00pm - Watch 'Broken Hearts Club' with Clark on plasma screen TV. Good picture. Only seen it fifty-three times. Not sure if too subtle.

9:25pm - Begin shooting eyefucking looks at Clark.

9:30pm - Clark not noticing.

9:35pm - Was wrong. Clark good kisser for farmborn virgin.

9:55pm - Go to bed. With company. Result!