The Diary of Clark Kent
Disclaimer: They're not mine, I just use them to take the piss
Dedication: Lar asks and I deliver
Summary: It's a parody, people.
Notes: This idea is not mine. Helen Fielding did it first, Cassie Claire does it better, and I'm just a hack who is horribly underpaid. This is paired with the Diary of Lex Luthor.
THE DIARY OF CLARK KENT
Saturday, November 12
Weight: Not sure, but six pack still solid and ass still firm, so, not worrying.
Cigarettes: What? No, never. Might burn down Fortress of Solitude.
Alcohol: Not legal yet, but snuck one of Dad's Budweisers for 'dutch' courage. Tastes like pee.
6:00am - Woke up, because floating during dream about saving Lex. Again. Makes thirty-sixth, no, thirty-seventh time this month. No more broken beds though as was actually floating over floor this time. Good thing invincible or landing on boots would have hurt.
6:15am - 6:45am - Take shower and dress in obligatory flannel. Used to take less time to shower before saved Lex from river.
6:45am - Open door and see Mom and Dad getting 'cozy' in hallway. Not wanting to think about parents in _that_ way. Scarred for life.
6:46am - Close door again, and announce coming out of room, loudly. Almost said coming out of closet, instead. Whoops.
6:50am - 7:15am - Have breakfast with Mom and Dad. Something v. fishy as acting all touchy feely and stuff. Hope not going to get another speech about birds, bees and cows. Was v. confusing last time.
7:30 - 8:00 am - Do chores on back 40, or 10, or something. Am supposed to take till 9am, but am tired of slave driving and decide to use 'gifts'.
8:01am - Decide to go see Lex.
8:02am - Arrive at House of Sex. I mean Lex. Must watch for those Freudian slips. Chloe says I make a lot of those, but Lana and Lex both begin with 'L' and mistakes to be expected.
8:05am - Ring doorbell, and am greeted by Heccubus. Perhaps just young and naive, but think he was looking at my ass.
8:17am - Heccubus says that Lex is still asleep. Wonder if sleeping in nude, better go check.
8:22am - Lex not sleeping in nude, darn. However, is not wearing shirt. Oooh. Feel flush coming on, shoot. Make-up nonsense about Lana and the quarterback. Lex says he will solve everything. Result! Wonder what 'everything' means.
8:45am - 9:20am - Hang out in kitchen with Mabel while waiting for Sex. I mean Lex. Think she was looking at my ass, too. Funny staff at House of Sex.
9:20 - 10 am - Breakfast with Lex. Not quite as exciting as sounds. Did much whining and brooding, beginning to get on own nerves. But, got invitation to 'movies' tonight. Result!
10:01am - Leave House of Sex. V. depressed. Wonder what to do until tonight? Better go home and make obligatory appearance in kitchen.
10:02am - Make obligatory appearance in kitchen. Obviously not expected as Mom and Dad getting 'cozy' again. Ick.
10:05am - Fortress of Solitude not nearly as interesting as House of Sex. Will not think about that though.
10:06am - 12:00pm - Not thinking about House of Sex.
12:00pm - Chloe invading 'not thinking about House of Sex' time. Darn it. Something about Wall of Weird and Lana. Have never noticed before but Chloe goes *funny* when talking about Lana. Hmmm. Wants to go to Beanery. Oh, well. Nothing else to do.
12:30pm - Arrive at Beanery and get coffee. Thank God that coffee will give Chloe something else to do with her mouth, can feel brain tuning out.
12:45pm - Chloe still talking. My god. Lana arrives with Whitney. Am not staring at Lana, am staring at Whitney. Nice pants.
12:46 pm - Lana wants to join us. Oh, darn it. Will at least quiet Chloe for a while.
12:48pm - Didn't quiet Chloe that long.
1:00pm - 3:00pm - Drink coffee and watch ‘Dawson's Creek, Live, from Smallville’. See, Whitney looking at Lana looking at Chloe looking at Lana looking at me looking at Whitney looking at me.
3:01pm - Have migraine, need to go home and have nap.
3:02pm - 5:00pm - Have nap in Fortress of Solitude. Perhaps will rename Fortress of Hot-man Loving one day, but not while Dad still alive and kicking.
5:00pm - Wake up from nap floating above sofa. Another dream about Lex. Mom calling. Hope she and Dad aren't still getting 'cozy'. Ick.
5:01pm - 6pm - More darn chores. Is there nothing else to do on this farm?
6pm - 6:30pm - Have dinner with Mom and Dad. At least no more 'cozy' stuff, but felt foot on boot during dinner. Weird. Not sure how to say having 'movie' night with Lex as parents act irrational and odd about Sex. I mean Lex.
6:31pm - Announce sleeping over at Pete's. Parents so trusting.
6:34pm - Call Pete and announce slumber party, only, not sleeping over. Note to self: calling it slumber party very un-manly thing to say.
6:45pm-7:25pm - Take shower and prepare for movie night at House of Sex. Deflect snarky comment from Mom about the Rosses not having a shower. Lots of practice at deflection from Chloe.
7:26pm - Leave for Lex's.
7:27pm - Realize forgot clothes for 'sleep over'.
7:28pm - Come back home and find Mom and Dad getting 'cozy' again. Want therapy.
7:29pm - Leave again for House of Sex
7:30pm - Arrive at House of Sex, and find Lex pulling up in really nice Ferrari. Ferrari almost as hot as Lex. Give obligatory lecture on safety and pout for emphasis.
7:35pm - 8:00pm - Watch Lex attempt to make microwave popcorn. Decide not to tell to remove plastic wrap. Much more fun to watch Lex talk to self, and bend over wearing nice pants.
8:00pm - Watch 'Broken Hearts Club' with Lex. Love this movie. Only seen it fifty-two times.
8:01pm - Lex sitting v. close. Bit strange on sofa ten feet long, but not complaining.
8:30pm - Lex doing yawn, arm around back of sofa, typical male move. Not complaining.
9:00pm - Lex so close now, practically in lap. Not complaining.
9:26pm - Lex doing 'eyefucking' thing now. That's playing dirty.
9:30pm - Lex doing A LOT of eyefucking.
9:34pm - Should put Lex out his misery.
9:35pm - Put Lex out of misery.
9:55pm - Having different kind of slumber party, sorry, sleep over with Lex. Don't think will tell Pete about this new kind though.