ethrosdemon & Lar ||| Buffy & Angel

Falling V: Nose Dive
Lar and ethrosdemon

EMAIL: naturallycalm@yahoo.com =and= HERE
Distribution: List archives, our own sites, ask and you shall receive.
Disclaimer: Joss and Mutant Enemy own the boys, we just pretend that we do. We have nothing of value, do not sue us.
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: X/L
Spoilers: Blind Date, general S4
Summary: Lindsey has some problems at work.
Notes: Ok, this is the final installment of this series. There *will* be a sequel to the sequel. Ah, lord, no end in sight. We beta ourselves, and you can tell.
Dedication: To all the people who have fbed us on this series, truly, we never expected this kind of love. Never meant for it to be this long. Never meant to get so obsessed. It's worth it when we get the kind of feedback we have. So, keep it coming.

= = = = =

Lindsey feels like the tension might break him, finally. Lee is almost as bad as Lilah, and the combination of the two of them make him want to take up drinking again, before work, during work, hell, in the middle of meetings. The slow burn taking away the need to bolt. It might just be this latest client. She makes his skin try to crawl off his body.

"Lindsey, come say hello." Great, and Holland scents blood. Never lets a chance pass him by to freak Lindsey out a little harder, rub the bizarreness of his life in a little more.

"I think she likes you." Smirk on Lee's face, and Lindsey wonders sometimes if Lee isn't working with Lilah, tag teaming him until he wears down and crumbles. Lee pats him on the back and strolls off as Lindsey walks over to the group around the aforementioned client, the one who gives him what Xander accurately terms "the wiggins."

Holland's perpetual grin spreads wider as he introduces the men standing with him "Ah, Bill, Chuck, you remember Lindsey McDonald, our point man on Miss Brewer's case?"

Lindsey shakes hands with the two older men standing behind Vanessa Brewer. She's not wearing the dark glasses and Lindsey *knows* she does it for the way it makes everyone uncomfortable.

"You did an excellent job." //you mean this time, you fucking ass.// Corporate smile in place, Lindsey is glad not all the clients are telepathic.

Vanessa catches Lindsey's hand and holds it in both of hers. He wants to flinch, snatch his hand away and wash it. She's got something about her that he can't get his mind around.

"Thank you, Lindsey." Quiet voice, smile on her face.

"You're welcome." //now let me get out, I'm done with this, it's over// "It's nice to see you again."

"You, too." //even nicer to see you leave//

Bill and Chuck follow her out and Holland says goodbye. Turns to Lindsey. "Got a sec?"

No sense in even answering that one, and he turns to enter the office, Holland right behind him shutting the door. Private conversations usually mean more bloodshed and destruction, and coming right on top of the meeting with Vanessa, Lindsey is jangled. Wants it over quickly but stays as passive as he can. Holland enjoys the torture of prolonging meetings when he picks up on an associate's urgent desire to be elsewhere.

Holland's hands clasped in front of him, demeanor placid and saccharine as always. "Does she unnerve you?"

"A little." //unnerve, no she freaks me the hell out//

"Two minutes alone with that woman and I feel like my spine's been fused." A rare admission and rather than relaxing Lindsey with what was perhaps intended to be a gesture of camaraderie, it makes all his nerve endings perk up. "Still, one has to admire her talent - and her work ethic. Everything all right? You look a little stressed." Always the concerned leader.

"I've been putting in the hours, but..." //you keep giving me these shit assignments//

"Ah. Well, that's a big part - the perspiration. But the other part - the inspiration - you've had kind of a rough year on that end."

//here we go// "I've made -uh - some bad choices." At this point Lindsey's ready to admit to anything, play the game like he used to, anything to get this to the point. Get him out of this office so he can go back to his own. Pretend his law firm is the kind that he can be proud of instead of the kind that gives him nightmares.

"Well, I'll say." Delivers this with the flashing white teeth of some demonic game show host.

"Sending the rogue Slayer after the vampire?" Names the biggest screw up he can call to mind and prays that's enough to keep things on a reviewer's note rather than it moving on to something with much worse possibilities.

"Among other things. But you've had a nice success in court. You're starting to pull out of it. I'm fond of you, Lindsey. I'd like to see you moving up here."

//other things? Like my sex life. Never gonna let that go, are you, Holland?// "I'm glad to hear that, sir."

"Not everybody will. This is kind of our ' Harvest' time of year. Where we separate the winners from the, uh, dead weight. Now I have to say, you don't seem that happy lately. Could I take a wild stab as to what I think that might be?"

"Sure." Braces himself for a revelation that they've been tailing him, they've infected him with some demon-spawn, internal bugging device and know all about Xander.

"It's your age. You're a young man. You've hitched your wagon to our star. Oh, and it's a bright star. But now you're starting to feel a little 'Is that all there is?'" Fatherly again, and the last time this happened, Lindsey ended up on his floor with a gaping wound in his life.

"Sometimes you question things, but I mean it's no big..." //oh, god, dead weight, is that me?// Hands in his pocket so they won't show his nerves.

"Yeah, I did a lot of crazy things when I was your age - searching and all. Took me a while to realize how the world was put together and where I belonged in it. And actually the world isn't that complicated. It's designed for those who know how to use it."

And what is the appropriate response to that, Lindsey wonders. "Yes, sir."

"Don't give me that 'yes, sir' crap. I want you to think about these things. You're not going to be happy until you find your place in the scheme of things." Pause. Shark grin again. "Okay, enough of the old guy's lecture. Now, down to business. I don't think she had a happy childhood."

Caught off guard by the abrupt change on direction, Lindsey's mind tries to wrap up the lecture and file it for later. He blinks at Holland. "Sir?"

"Our blind friend, Vanessa. I think she was terribly abused growing up. I think the details of that are tragic and shockingly specific, and I think you should create them, sooner rather than later."

"She is going to do something else that may require a strong defense." Full-on alert status now, so he keeps himself still. Barely breathing, ready for the bomb to hit.

"Strong defense, alibis, creative alternatives to incarceration. She is an invaluable tool to some of our most valuable clients and we can't risk losing her."

Doesn't want to know, but has to ask. "What's she gonna do?"

"There are some children arriving. They pose a threat." Said with the bland acknowledgment he might use to indicate that he's misplaced his pen, or perhaps had a bad golf game. Cool, emotionless.

Not quite sure he heard correctly, Lindsey repeats him. "Some children." //oh fuck! Not that. It's a test, see if I'm still on the team, that's all, he's watching to see me lose it.//

"Is this too shocking for you?" He *is* watching, ice blue eyes that never waver. Does the man ever fucking blink?

"I'm just thinking it might be for a jury." //and for anyone who isn't out of their mind//

"Which is why I'm thinking her terrible, terrible childhood drove her to it. Not guilty by reason of insanity. Of course the odds of her getting caught again are pretty slim."

Wets his suddenly dry lips and asks, "Who- who are these children?" //like it matters, children are children//

"It's best we know only what we need to, without forgetting the important part we play in the greater whole." Holland comes over and pats him on the shoulder, affectionate gesture to anyone who might see it, but it makes the skin on Lindsey's arm and neck actually twitch under his jacket. "I'm sure you're going to want to get right on it."

+++++++

Slam of the door behind them, and Xander finds himself immediately on the closest bed. Frantic body contact and Lindsey's on him in a hurricane of hands, teeth, lips. When he breaks away long enough to pull off his shirt, Xander gasps out. "What's wrong, Lin?"

"Work, it's just work. I don't want to talk about it." Tugs off Xander's shirt and presses him back into the bed.

"You gotta let it out sometime, you know?" Xander tries to gentle him, slow him down, but it's not working. He's so hard, and his hands are rough. Tugging franticly on buttons and zippers until they're both naked, and Lindsey can feel Xander against him everywhere.

"I know. Trust me, I do." Kisses bruising Xander's mouth, and Lindsey's almost out of control. More than the usual amount of need working here, and the electricity transfers to Xander by contact. He takes on the hurried pace, and they thrust and rub together, heated motions and low moans into searching, open mouths. Harsh slide of tongue on tongue and Lindsey grips his wrists, pulls them over his head. Pins them there with one hand, knees Xander's thighs apart. Runs his index finger across his bottom lip, then into Xander's mouth, lets him suck and lick the tip. Pulls it out and rubs his thumb over it; not wet enough. Sucks it into his own mouth for a minute, and his hand's running down Xander's cock, to the smooth stretch of skin behind his balls and pressing into him. Harder than usual, and Xander hisses a little before rocking back and forth, taking him in deeper. Another finger, slicked on Lindsey's own precome, crooked inside of him and hitting him right *there*. Making him writhe, making him moan and roll his hips, and tug a little on the wrists that Lindsey still holds to the bed.

"God, Lins, please..." Low groan of *need* and Lindsey echoes it. Abrupt absence of his body as he forages for his pants, the packet, and almost a growl when he can't get it out of the wallet fast enough. Wallet tumbles to the floor, cards and slips of paper fluttering free, and he's tearing open the foil. Stands beside the bed and rolls the condom on, almost throws himself across Xander, who hasn't moved an inch. Panting, eyes wide, not frightened but wound up, high on the tension and the desperation in Lindsey's actions tonight.

Lindsey back between Xander's legs, fisting his cock, gathering the glistening strands in his hand and then stroking himself. Xander's legs on his shoulders, and a wild look in Lindsey's midnight-blue eyes when he bites his lip and pushes inside of him.

"Need you, Xan, need you so bad." Whispering it, and Xander pulls him down closer.

"I'm here, Lin, right here, god, you feel so good." Takes Lindsey's hand, licks the palm, draws a finger into his mouth and bites down as Lindsey's hips begin to thrust faster, deeper inside of him. Lets go when Lindsey pulls it out and grabs Xander's hair as if he's trying to slow himself down somehow, grip tight but not painful.

He comes with a sound that's halfway between a sob and a shout, collapses on Xander heavily and releases his hair. Murmurs apologies against his lips as he reaches down between them and strokes tight, slow, brings Xander to a shuddering climax of his own. More kisses, tender now, but he's still shaking and Xander can't get him to stop.

+++++++++

Leaving Xander and coming back to L.A., Lindsey knows there's only one place to go. Didn't ever want to have to debase himself like this, run to his enemy with his tail between his legs. But he can't let this go down. Can't be the person who turns a blind eye this time, not with Xander trusting him to do the right thing when all bets are off, and the true evil is out to play. He knows the boy can excuse most of his work, bad guys fucking over bad guys, people who kill and torment dying cruel deaths, but the blood of children on his hands? That's something else entirely.

He comes straight to Angel from Xander's arms. His will reinforced by the honesty and love the boy gives him. He's a sap and a sucker, and all the clichés, but he couldn't do this without the memory of why fresh in his mind

The door thunders closed behind him like the hammer on the last nail of his coffin, knows it all in his head, it probably hardly made a sound. He takes in Angel's stoic appraisal.

"I want out." Starts talking right away, he doesn't know any other way to do this. "You probably think this is some kind of trick."

"Are you afraid of me, Lindsey? You think maybe I might kill you?" The same facial expression Lindsey has seen every time he's encountered him stretched over Angel's features, and Lindsey wonders if he feels anything, if he's ever cried, smiled, screamed from pain.

"No." Fingers in his hair, pulls them out when it registers that he's doing it. Looks Angel down.

"I'm smelling a whole lot of fear - big - stinky - mortal - terror. So, no, I don't think this is a trick - I think it's a big joke." On his feet, advancing on Lindsey. Lifts his face in the air. "I smell something else as well. What did you do to Xander?" Rolling motion, graceful like a blade, and Lindsey can appreciate that for the split second it takes him to process what Angel just said.

"What? Do to...oh fuck, of course you know him. So, it's true, you did date a slayer. Buffy, right?" Angel's on him, hand around his throat, body pressed into his. Vibrations hitting Lindsey in the chest, and he knows that's growling, hasn't ever been this close to a vampire before and never intended to be.

"I don't ever want to hear you say her name again. Are we clear on that?" Slight release on Lindsey's windpipe so he can gasp the air to breath, and Lindsey sees that there is more than one facial expression after all. This one must be pain, bottom lip quivering, eyes narrowed.

'Sure." //why would I want to talk about her anyway?//

"Tell me how you know Xander, and why it smells like you've been rolling around in his come." Angel lets him go, doesn't move out of his space though. Just stays right in close, takes a few more breaths in while he's there, smelling him.

"Maybe because I have." A step back from Angel, and Lindsey rolls the crick out of his neck.

"What? Changing your tactics, McDonald? Rape now? He better be alive." Fists clinched at his sides, and Lindsey never really thought about Angel as anything more than a major pain in his ass, now he sees there is more here. Something he's not getting.

"You seem to care a lot about someone you must have little to no contact with." //I can't believe Xander never mentioned him. How could he have overlooked THIS?//

"It's not him I care about, it's people who love him." //that's why//

"I don't give a damn about your motivations. It's none of your business what's between Xander and I." Angel moves to sit on the edge of his desk, propped there, deceptively loose.

"Between you? I think you just told me what I need to know, how and why, I don't really care." But Lindsey can tell that's not the whole truth, can see Angel might not be easily shocked, but he's running his own hand through his hair, and that's a nervous tick he can spot a mile away.

"Hey, I don't want to be here anymore than you want to see me. But I don't have a choice." Rubbing the bruises already purpling around his throat.

"You always have a choice. I mean, you sold your soul for a fifth-floor office and a company car." Moving back to sit behind his desk again. Power play, and Lindsey's so tired of all this high-handed shit that he almost leaves. Remembers the kids, Xander; stays.

"You think you've got me all figured out? You think you know everything about me?" //don't show weakness, suck it up//

"Everything I need to know." Disdain, and right now, that pushes Lindsey over the edge.

"I'm going to guess somewhere along the line in all the two hundred plus years you've been walking this planet you might have fallen in love. You know how it eats you up inside, tears you apart. I love someone like that, and I'm not going to ruin his life. He trusts me. He thinks I'll do what's right in the end. I never thought it would come down to this, but I have to get out. For him." Draws in a shaky breath, gets a handle on his temper again. //what did I say?//

"I'm sorry. I nodded off. Did you get to the part where you explain what this has to do with me?" //fuck you, you undead prick//

"I found out about a job. The blind woman. Vanessa Brewer. Your friend from court." To the point now, he's had enough of being in this room with the man/creature he despises.

"That you got off." More baiting, and Lindsey thinks maybe he should have gone to the cop after all.

"There is a new contract."

"Why don't we just save the lawyer talk?" //if I didn't need you right now, you insufferable asshole...//

"She's gonna kill some kids. I've worked some pretty hairy deals, comes with the turf, but this..." The truth is sometimes the best option in an impossible situation.

"What do you know?" Finally, some interest from Angel.

"Almost nothing. Some kids from overseas, job's in a couple of days."

"I need more." He's on his feet though, and Lindsey knows he'll rally the troops for the good fight no matter what he says to his face.

"There's some files. They'd be at the firm, probably in the vault."

"Then I'll guess you'll get them out." Rounding the desk, and Lindsey steps back, gets some distance between them, even though he knows it's a false security, Angel can move faster than Lindsey can react.

"I can't go back in there. Do you understand what that place is?" Fear kicking up, and he never thought it would have to be him back in the building.

"I'm not sensing a whole lot of resolve here." //I'm still standing here, aren't I?//

"They are constantly watching you. Other companies have drug testing - they have mind-readers. I go back there, they're gonna kill me." Lindsey knows Angel doesn't give a damn about that. Could care less if Lindsey didn't make it to his car when he walks out of the building.

"That's what we call an acceptable risk. You're panicking right now. You can't believe how bad you let things get. That's not change. You have to make a decision to change. That's something you do by yourself. Most people - they never do." //please, lecture me, Scourge of Europe//

"If I get myself killed, that'll convince you that I've changed." Let's some of the venom drop out in his words, knows it doesn't matter one way or another. They hate each other, that isn't about to change.

"It's a start."

=================

Lindsey watches as a security guard manhandles Lee's body out, dragging him by the feet and leaving a trail of his blood on the carpeted floor. Lindsey's transfixed by it. Smells the blood on the side of his face, his shirt, his suit, tries not to gag. //never got to tell Xander goodbye, gonna die right here and never got to tell him goodbye//

Holland adjust the cuffs of his suit, sees Lindsey staring. "What a pity. You can't get that out of the carpet. Believe me, we've tried." Takes a seat at the conference table across from Lindsey. "Are you afraid?"

Unsure of what to do, convinced he's going to die anyway, Lindsey nods. Doesn't trust himself to speak.

Holland continues, soft voice, lulling rhythm as he lists Lindsey's sins against the firm. "Well, that's understandable. You betrayed this firm by allaying yourself with someone who has given us a great deal of grief. You've stolen important documents form our vault. Tried to sabotaged an extremely important case. And in the course of this egregious behavior, you lied to us. More importantly, to me. Did I leave anything out?"

Dry throat, but he speaks, is afraid not to. "No, sir." Wonders if the lying covers his continued relationship with Xander and assumes they know, and it's just one of the lesser sins.

"Did you actually believe I wouldn't learn everything?"

"I..." Begins to speak without knowing what the hell he's going to say. Talking because that's what he does, that's what he was trained to do, when in doubt, speak, say something, open your mouth and keep on talking... His thought process has completely derailed now, his mind twisting over onto itself again and again, and he realizes Holland is staring at him.

"Lindsey, this is a delicate moment. I nod to Phil behind me, and he's going to put a bullet in your head." No remorse there, it's like looking at a robot, and Lindsey thinks Holland and Angel might be two of a kind.

Decides that if this is his day to die, he's going to go out telling the truth. It might not count for much when added against the other things he's done, but he wants to do. Thinks of Xander, that the purity of thought and spirit he runs his life on despite the dips in the road. "I-I didn't want to lie to you. I didn't want to betray you. I just wanted out."

Holland ponders this. Or rather makes a mockery of the thought process and says, "Hmm. Well, then you're in a crisis, son. Crisis of faith. Do you believe in love?"

Shock hits hit like ice water and his panic is reaching new levels, but Holland keeps on talking.

"I'm not speaking romantically. I'm talking about that sharp, clear sense of self a man gains once he's truly found his place in the world. It's no mean feat, since most men are cowards and just move with the crowd. Very few make their own destinies. They have the courage of their convictions, and they know how to behave in a crisis."

"Like now?" //as if I know what to do here, as if I'm not terrified out of my fucking head//

"Like now. You have everything it takes to go all the way here - drive, ambition, excellence - but you don't know where you belong. And until you do, I guess we both have some important questions to answer. Now, my first one is - do I nod - to my friend behind me?" Pause and Lindsey's heart skips a beat, tachycardia, adrenaline flooding his system. Holland continues in that same monotone of his, as if he speaks to a child, an extremely dull-witted child. "No, I don't. Because I know you, and I know a little something about character. I think what you actually need is a few days off to think about it. And I'm sure once you have, you're going to do the right thing."

"I can - I can go." Surge of hope fiercely shoved down, because this would be the moment for Holland to say "just kidding" and nod, end his life, and Lindsey won't dare believe it is anything other than a joke until he's out of this building.

"You can go."

Gets up, slowly, moving like he's walking on eggshells, on grenades inside eggshells. Freezes when he hears the voice of the man who holds his life in his hands right now.

"Lindsey, I believe in you. Look deep enough inside yourself - you'll find that love."

The muscles in his back tense rock hard, waiting for the bullet to hit him any second, Lindsey walks with as much dignity as he can muster to the elevator. Keys in his pocket, then in his hand. Hits the button for the parking garage and stares silently at the doors in front of him He's sweating, drops rolling down his back, beading on his forehead, but he makes no move to wipe them. //show no fear, show no fear, show no god damn fear, just let me get out of this hell//

The doors slide open, he steps into the dim cool of the parking structure and looks around. No assassin waiting there to take him out. None that he sees. Keeps his hands in his jacket pocket, minimizes the jangling of the keys. Heart tripping over at far too high a rate, and he might just have a stroke before he can get out of here.

In the sedan, key in the ignition, and wince as he starts it up. No explosion, and that's it. He backs up, brakes with a screech, and floors the pedal. The car leaps forward, when the sun hits the window, when he clears the shadow of the office building, he's almost in tears. Afraid to let go of the reigns on his emotions, because he's not sure he can stop once he starts.

Pulls over about a block from his apartment, stumbles to the alleyway and vomits violently. Back in the car, and home. He has never needed to see Xander's face as much as he does this second.

=================================

Pounding on the back door and it's much too heavy to be Anya. Xander wrenches it open and Lindsey is there, grabs him pushes him back inside. Rough, deep kiss. "Xander, get your things, we have to go."

"Go where?" Caught completely unaware, completely forgotten that Lindsey knows where he lives, and all the amped up fear in Lindsey's face is sending off the bells.

"Away. Now." He's looking around the basement like there might be cameras, spies, something tracking them. Pacing.

"What's going on?" Xander watches him, not moving, but his heart revs up, no more time to hide the problems he's been burying for so long.

"Look, I left the firm. I did some things, stole some things, that mean I have to get away." Walks to the door, cracks it and looks out.

"Lin, I can't just drop everything and leave!" Plaintive note in Xander's voice and Lindsey swings around, steps up into his face. Takes his shoulders in a painful grip.

"Why the hell not?" All long vowels and tight hands, and no color in his eyes now but black. Xander licks his lips, and wonders if he's going to end up on the wrong end of the temper this time.

"Because, it's more complicated than that. I have to talk to some people, tell them where I'm going, all that." Stalling for time, looking away, and he knows this is the obvious kind of body language that even amateurs can pick up.

"You can't. They'll be able to trace us that way. You can't tell anyone." Lindsey wants to shake him, rattle his brain, get him moving, They're standing there wasting time, valuable time that should be used to make them both disappear before Wolfram and Hart does it for them.

"Look, Lin, there's something I have to tell you. I should have told you before." Definite notes of fear and hurt in Xander's voice, and Lindsey tries to calm himself, just a little, just enough to stop scaring the hell out of the only person left in the world he can trust anymore.

"If it's about Angel, I already know." Still thick on the accent, but his hands lessen their pressure on Xander's shoulders.

"Angel? Huh? I haven't seen him since Thanksgiving." Genuine bafflement on his face for a minute whipping right back to the pinched look of fear. Visibly steels himself before he says, "No, it's about a girl."

"Uh huh." //and...and...//

"I don't know how to say this...there's this girl I know, and she thinks I'm her boyfriend, and well, I can't just leave without talking to her." Shaking now, definite shaking, and he's white as a ghost.

"Are you telling me that you owe some responsibility to this delusional chick? Xander, you're a sweetheart, but really..." Lindsey cups the back of Xander's head, runs his hand down to tangle in the curls at the nape of his neck.

"No, you don't understand. She has reasons to think this." Voice filling in now, getting thicker, and Lindsey is growing concerned, nagging suspicion beginning to stab through the nerves that have carried him this far.

"What kind of reasons?" Actually as quiet as possible to still be heard, but in Xander's ears deafening.

"Like the having sex reasons." Lindsey actually flinches, like taking a physical blow. Blinks twice slowly and lets his hands drop away.

"Who is she having sex with again?"

"Me." Small voice, and Xander's maintaining eye-contact, but there's two spots of color high up on his cheeks. He looks like he might throw up any second.

"Are you trying to kill me here? Is this some kind of sick joke?" Lindsey steps away from him, involuntary reaction to get some distance, perspective.

"No. Lin, I should have told you when you first came back." Xander puts a hand up, but Lindsey slaps it away.

"Holy shit. This has been going on the whole time? I'm not enough for you? Tell me why!" //Brand it into me, tell me why you've been lying to me// Brain speeding up, crashing to a halt, rewinding, memories and thoughts jerking in and out of focus.

"She's an ex-vengeance demon, do you know how they get their powers back? I don't, and I'm thinking gay lover might be just the thing. I'm scared." Even to his own ears it sounds pitiful, and he can't think of how to make Lindsey see how it is. Tries to make it come to him, to find someway of presenting it so there's some logic in the middle of all the pain.

"You have a girlfriend and it's supposed to be ok because you're scared of her? This has to be the most insane story I've ever heard. Ex-demon? If you wanted to break up with me, you could have at least come up with something believable." Lindsey's backing up again, and that hurts more than anything, more than when he was gone all that time, and Xander doesn't know how to make it end.

"I don't want to break up with you! And she's not my girlfriend. She just molests me all the time and makes me insane with all this 'relationship' crap." Frustration getting the better of him and it's either get mad or cry and he doesn't want to cry, doesn't think he'll be able to control it if he does.

"So it's supposed to be OK with me that you're just fucking her?" Nothing in Lindsey's voice now but pain. No anger, just hurt and betrayal.

"I'm not fucking her. She's fucking ME." It seems to be important somehow to make that clear to Lindsey, to let him know that he's not really there, he's not part of the process, it's just his body, that's all. Has a pang in his chest when he thinks of Lindsey with someone else, anyone else, lover, whore, doesn't matter, and it hurts him, crushes him.

"I think you told me before Xander, you can't rape the willing." Thick sounds after he says it, like he's swallowing something down, and Xander can't see him well enough in the dimness of the basement. Lindsey is so far away from him and all he wants to do is touch him, take it back, keep it a secret.

"I don't want any of this to be happening. I tried to get rid of her, she won't take the hint. I don't know what to do, and I just, look how mad you are! I knew this would happen." Voice rising, he's losing it, too, because Lindsey might be mad but he's also in pain. //all my fault all my fault//

"If all of this is true, why didn't you tell me? Just fucking tell me about it? Did you think I wouldn't understand, that I don't know about 'complicated'? I don't understand being afraid?" One step forward and Xander's heart gives a lurch of hope. Getting closer now, maybe he'll understand, gray part of the world.

"Lin, I wanted to tell you, I really did. I just didn't know what to say. Give me a chance." //please, please, anything, let me make it up to you, let me take it back//

"Give you a chance? I'm not the one who ran away. I'm not the one who disappeared without a trace. You think you haven't had your chance?" Another step now and the anger's on the surface, eyes flashing and his own skin pinking up. Lindsey presses the unbelievable tidal wave of raw, aching devastation down, defenses rising instead.

"Why are you throwing that in my face? I thought we were past that. I paid for it! It was a mistake and I know it. Not the last one either."

Lindsey shrugs out of his jacket, rolls up his sleeve, tearing the buttons off the cuff. Shoves the red, angry scar into Xander's face and watches him flinch, really see it for the first time. Wills himself not to remember how Xander kissed every inch of it the first time he saw it, when he told him he cut it on a broken bottle in his trashcan. "When you've cut yourself open to let out the hurt, then we'll know you've paid. When you can show me the scars, when I can see that you went through the same hell I did, then I'll know." Pulls his arm away again, sees the awareness dawning on Xander's face as he realizes where the scar really came from, and what that means.

Lashing out, Xander leans into Lindsey's face, his voice rising now, not giving a fuck who hears him at this point. "Why do you get to decide how much or what kind of pain I have? You saw what I looked like when you came here. What, did you think I went away to the Auschwitz spa for the week?"

"I fucking threw away my career for you. I put my life at risk. I crawled on my belly to the person I hate the most for the chance to be with you! A few missed meals don't really balance that out." Puts his hands on Xander's chest and presses. Not a push, but it wants to be one. Takes his hands away knowing that if the punches start flying, he's not going to stop until he's taken away in an ambulance.

"I know you're pissed at me. I'm not telling you not to be. Why are you saying these things, though? Why do you have to be this over the top? Are you enjoying it?" Tears now, doesn't even realize they've started, too much guilt at knowing how wrong he was, how he hurt Lindsey, how he made Lindsey hurt himself.

"Yeah, I am. This is the fun part of my life right here. The part where I find out that the one person I have ever opened myself up to is... and you know what, forget it. I'm done." Turns on his heel, grabs his jacket from the floor and walks over to the back door.

"What do you mean done?" Xander hitches in his breath, chokes down a sob. Steps towards Lindsey's retreating back.

"I mean, I'm leaving."

"Lin...please don't!" Begging now, outright begging in his voice, and he trips in his hurry to grab onto Lindsey again, stop him from leaving. Misses.

And he's out the door.

=end part v=

Go On to Damnation Part I: The Devil's In The Details



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