ethrosdemon & Lar ||| Buffy & Angel

Shameless V: No Hope
by Lar and ethrosdemon

Email: HERE and ethros@go.com
Distribution: If you have the rest, why don't you take this puppy too?
Disclaimer: Joss made it up, too bad he is an incompetent ninny. Mutant Enemy and others own the rights. No suing please. That's my normal disclaimer, I'm too strung out to be clever.
Rating: NC-17 perv warning
Spoilers: general S4/1
Summary: The boys are naked a lot, wet sometimes, and they need each other.
Notes: Death threats will be scoffed at.

=============

No alarm clock this morning, and Xander wakes up in small degrees. Recognition of light in the room even though his eyes are closed, muffled sound of cars going by outside. Tangle of blankets. He stretches, and there's no one else there, but that's to be expected. People with real jobs get up every day and go to them, which is why they continue to be the people with the real jobs.

Crackle of paper under his hand, and he opens one eyelid to find a note laying on the pillow beside him. Scrunches his face into the cotton pillowcase and smells Lindsey there, sweat and cologne and come. Smiles like a lunatic and rolls back over to read his note, monitoring some complaining body parts that want a shower and TLC from the abuse they received last night.

Neat scrawl, thick black marker on the paper:

'Xan -

Early meeting today. Sorry you have to wake up alone. In case you're thinking about it, I'm negative, but if you want, we can go get tested together. I'll call you when I get a break between clients.

Lindsey'

He folds the note up carefully and rolls over to see that Lindsey has moved the watchbox to the bedside table. There's a scrap of paper sticking out of it, and when he tugs it out, there's the same handwriting:

"It's got the moon phases, a power reserve indicator, and the date. I already set it all for you. I'd really like you to wear it. -L."

If he smiles any wider, the top of his head will come off. Actually believes that Lindsey is being honest with him, that he's clean and wouldn't have put him at risk in the first place. Takes some time with those thoughts. Isn't sure he should trust this guy he still barely knows with something like his life, but also considers his chance of living to see twenty if he moves back to Sunnydale. And that 'if' is the biggest shock of the morning.

+++++++++++++

A few days later, Lindsey comes to pick him up in the truck for another go at the L.A thing, and they head off for the big city together. Xander bites back his initial panic about getting anywhere near Lilah Morgan again, but Lindsey assures him that the only residents of the city that Xander will get to see will be the doorman at Lindsey's apartment building and Lindsey himself.

"We're not leaving the bedroom, if I have my say," Lindsey says, looking over the top of his sunglasses and leering. Everything short of waggling his eyebrows, and he can't believe how relaxed he is already. Five minutes on the road with Xander, and he's shed all thoughts of anything other than getting him back to the apartment, getting him naked and keeping him that way for the next 72 hours. He tipped the doorman to be sure that every shift would know that there were to be no calls to his apartment, not even if the President or Jesus Christ himself came calling. Tipped the man so generously that his eyes went wide, and he actually smiled. Wonders never cease.

Xander's sprawled out in the seat, seems to be taking his cue from Lindsey's no-stress attitude and anything goes frame of mind. He does the eye-brow waggle himself when he meets Lindsey's eye and oh, yes, what could the boy have in mind? Something that's put a smile all over his face and the slightest hint of a blush on his cheeks.

The rest of the ride passing in a blur of conversation and mock debates, and before they get to Lindsey's part of town Xander has already got him hard and aching and changed the radio station approximately ten thousand times. Stolen kisses and hands loosely clasped on the seat between them, and he's ready to pull over and take him on the seat of the truck just to get the edge off.

Manages to contain himself and finally, after what seems an eternity, there's the goddamn building. He's never wanted to see it so badly before in his life. Xander's impressed with his reserved parking spot, runs a finger over the gleaming silver Benz in the next spot when he gets out and looks rather pleased with himself over all. Hitches Lindsey's curiosity up about three more levels, and when they hit the elevator, he just shoves Xander against the back wall and hits the emergency-stop button so he can lean in and have the first full body contact of the day. Leg between Xander's thighs, hand under the back of his shirt and touching bare skin while the other twines through the shaggy curls and pulls his face down and to kiss him. Light brush of lips, flicker of Xander's tongue betraying his own desire, and that makes Lindsey feel so *fine.* Reluctantly leans back, pops the elevator into working order again and presses the button for twenty-three.

Xander wonders at the lack of actual Lindseyness in the apartment. Everything is very spare, and very expensive and very much not the way he thought it should be. He didn't get in much assessment the last time he was here due to the berserk behaviour from Lindsey and his own agitation over the situation. The place could be a hotel room, or a display model for prospective renters for the lack of personality it contains.

Lindsey picks up on his assessment right away, tells him straight out, "It's not me, it's done by a decorator, and the only things I like about it are the location and the view." Drops Xander's bag by the door, closes it and clicks over the brass deadbolt. Gives Xander a little press at the small of his back to urge him into the room. "Go ahead, sit down, it's just furniture, boy."

"Yeah it's really big, expensive...is that a leather couch? Kinky. It reminds me of someone I used to know who likes leather a little too much."

"Someone like me?" Curious at the reference and already has a list of cross examination questions lining up, can't help himself, it's second nature, wants to know everything he can about Xander. And just who the hell did Xander know with a leather fetish? And how well did he know them?

"Uh, hell no. Someone who sucks. Not in the good way, wait, I don't think so anyway." Easy grin, and he's walking over to the object of concern. Flops down on it and seems alarmed with the amount of noise it generates, all that squeaking from every little movement.

"Kinky *and* noisy. The fun never stops."

Lindsey hones in on him sprawled there and contemplates just breaking the damn thing in by fucking Xander on it, right there, ruining the finish and finally marking the place with something that's all his, better than peeing on the rug to mark his territory.

"What's for dinner, Mr. Host-with-the-most?" Xander grins at him and that's it, forget dinner, forget everything except his naked ass on that couch right now.

"Oh I have dinner all planned out," he manages to get out pulling his shirt over his head even as he stalks over to drop down on top of Xander. The boy's all reaching hands, open mouth and long legs opening to make room, likes the squeak now.

Much later, dinner turns out to be Little Debbies and beer. The couch will never be the same.

=====

Waking up the next morning, finally getting to know what it's like to have another body pressed up against his when sleep falls away, Xander watches Lindsey sleep for a few minutes more. His face is so gentle when he's not on guard, and that's not so often; Xander would bet on it. Stays perfectly still, arm over Lindsey's hip, leg trapped between his thighs and just takes it all in. Must have a powerful gaze because without warning those blue-blue eyes pop open, almost startle Xander but not quite, and they both lay there not moving. Morning kisses, something Xander has never had, are now his favorite thing because they mean that something has finally gone right. Wide grin from Lindsey, and he wonders if he's echoing his thoughts again.

Out in the kitchen, drinking juice and listening to the sounds of the shower from the bedroom. Wearing absolutely nothing but a look of perfect contentment, and wait...what's that sound?

Pads down the hall to the bedroom and in, over to the open bathroom door where Lindsey stands behind a three panelled glass shower. Singing. Johnny Cash, unless Xander misses his guess, and could this *be* any sexier? Honey voice, sugar twang and he's sounds amazing.

"When I was just a baby, my momma told me, 'Son,
Always be a good boy; don't ever play with guns.'
But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
When I hear that whistle blowin', I hang my head and cry."

Xander slides into the bathroom, gets a load of the perfect acoustics working in there and toes the door almost shut behind him.

"Well if they freed me from this prison, if that railroad train was mine,
I bet I'd move it all a little farther down the line,
Far from Folsom Prison, that's where I want to stay,
And I'd let that lonesome whistle blow my blues away."

Opens the shower door and Lindsey looks at him a little sheepishly, mouth open to apologize until he sees Xander's hard. Eyes dark, heavy and mouth parted and so fucking beautiful that Lindsey's hard too. Steps back so Xander can join him in the shower, and he's under the stream, heavy rivulets of water running over his hair, down his chest, little tributaries that catch and leave droplets in the dark tangle of hair around his cock.

Lets Xander move right up against him, pressing him into chilly tiles that make him gasp and try to move away. Xander's having none of that, grabs his wrists and pulls them up over his head, and that's new, and Lindsey is glad it was something that came natural to the boy; he hates having to ask for it. Feels how the boy's shaking despite the power position he's taken, and he hasn't kissed him or made a move to. Lindsey watches through wet lashes as Xander puts his head back, lets the water soak it away from his face. Brings it back down, comes in ever so slowly, like a movie being shown at the wrong speed. Kisses him with open mouth and soft lips, nuzzles into this neck. Rocks his hips so that their cocks slip together.

"Keep singing," he says, and this time it's Lindsey's turn to flush. Tries to catch his mouth for another kiss, distract him, but it's not going to happen. Xander slides his wrists further up the tiled wall and presses his thigh further between Lindsey's own. "Sing."

Somehow Lindsey finds his voice, although it's molasses now, not honey. Thicker. Darker. Xander watches his mouth so intently that Lindsey feels like he's breathing in the sounds as he sings them.

"I bet there's rich folk eatin'in a fancy dining car.
They're prob'ly drinkin' coffee and smokin' big cigars,
But I know I had it comin', I know I can't be free,
But those people keep a-movin', and that's what tortures me."

Gulps in a mouthful of the warm water that's still spraying over them both. "Xander."

"Shh."

Hungry, devouring kiss, and rolling hips, and, jesus, he'll never be able to sing in the shower again without getting hard. Water making everything slide, and when he puts some resistance on his wrists, Xander lets go. Catches his face instead, and holds him there, fucking his mouth with his tongue while he presses away from the wall to get more pressure, more friction between them.

Not working, so Lindsey slips his hand between them, gets a grip on them both in his one hand Squeezes, strokes, groans into Xander's mouth.

Disappointed when Xander leans back, breaks the kiss, tries to bring him back down for more. Hand still stroking both cocks, tight grip, long movements, no hurry to get anywhere with this until the hot water runs out.

"Wanna watch you this time," Xander says, bedroom eyes gone from brown to black, and he almost comes right then just hearing him say it.

"You wanna see what?" Lindsey knows exactly what Xander is asking for, but he's not gonna give it up that easy. Wants to hear him say it.

"Wanna see you come for me." Hears the edges of his own voice in that round and soft slur of want, and maybe he's just blissed out on need and desire, but it's not going to take long to show him what he wants to see.

Keeps his eyes locked on Xander's, right hand on his cock, twisting motion to gather the precome and water on his palm. Starts to jack off slow and hard, catches his bottom lip in his mouth as he does it, old habit never lost. Moans out, "This what you wanna see? Is this what you want, baby?"

Keeps talking to him, slow dirty whispers asking him if he likes it, does he want it, and Xander can't even find the voice to say yes, yes, yes, until Lindsey drops his eyes closed and whispers, "This is what you do to me all the time, every time I think of you and your mouth on me."

Inarticulate groan from Xander, and he drops down to the floor of the shower, puts his hand over Lindsey's. One touch and Lindsey's gone, over his own hand and Xander's, the boy's neck and chest. Sees Xander's back arch and realizes he's coming too.

The water's cold by the time they're both clean again.

+++++++++++

Thursday night at the club, and Lindsey tries not to grin. He's being shown off. It feels sweet, gives him a sense of something long gone that he thought was never coming back. Small piece of his mind telling him that he's OK if he's got someone like Xander around. Hasn't fucked it up yet, prays he doesn't ever. There seems to be some spark of chance of him having this in his life for a good long time, and who ever would have thought it? He sure as hell wouldn't have. His heart rate almost hits danger levels when he thinks about the look on Xander's face each time he shows up. It's the picture he conjures up when another file lands on his desk of some new menace to society the he's responsible for throwing back onto the street to wreak a little more havoc on the unsuspecting population.

He eats up watching Xander in another environment, out of the confines of his apartment, not wound up or nervous, interacting with the other guys. He's clever, thinks on his feet, always has something to say no matter what's being tossed around. Makes sure Lindsey is in on the conversation, he's not getting that fifth wheel feeling. Realizes Xander is one of those rare people who's just as he appears. Good guy, honest young man, Golden Rule ingrained in his DNA. Sexiest mouth in the state and possibly the entire United States, and in about twenty minutes he's going to drag him out to the truck and show Xander some appreciation.

Doesn't give a damn that the bartender is practically reading his mind, tips his beer at him and smiles. If he's getting shown off, he might as well make sure it's something to remember.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Home from work on a Wednesday night, and Xander rushes his shower because he knows the phone's going to starting ringing any second.

Right on cue it goes off, and he's making a mad dash for the receiver.

"Hey."

"Hey. You outta breath again? Shower?"

"You know it."

"Whatcha wearin'?"

"Didn't I mention the shower thing? Naked."

"No towel?"

"Yeah, towel."

"Take it off."

He might not be able to get there every night, but Lindsey makes sure he gets them both off all the same.

===========

Back at Xander's after the obligatory flaunting of Lindsey in front of his work buddies. //See, he isn't a figment, hasn't run away, still right here with me//

Maybe a couple too many beers, and he's starting to think of himself as a hard-drinkin' man. Needs to write a song about it and have Lindsey sing it for him.

Watches Lin just start stripping immediately as he hits the door, shirt, shoes off and only half-way to the bedroom.

"You comin?"

"Enjoying the view." And Lindsey gets an odd look at that. Runs his hands down his torso. Turns back to face Xander. Pops the button on his jeans and breathes out "You like watchin' don'tcha, baby?" And Xander hopes Lindsey is understanding when he comes in his pants and has to rest up for a minute. Lindsey reaches into his back pocket and draws out a plastic package. Tosses it to Xander.

"I picked that up at the bar, I think you might need it." Xander rips the cover with his teeth, and hopes he can get the cockring on fast enough.

+++++++++++++++++

Six weeks of phone calls, hanging out, mind blowing sex and the heavens open up and pour out the retribution for all the simplicity and calm-waters.

"So, Lindsey, we need to talk." Holland Manners smiles. He always smiles, whether he's ordering lunch or an assassination. Off-putting and creepy as hell, but every boss has a quirk, and Lindsey is in no position to complain.

"If it's about the Malloy situation, I have it under control." Picks up the file from the corner of his desk, walks toward Holland and begins to open it.

Holland puts out his hand in a calming gesture, halts him. "No, it's something of a more personal nature."

"Oh? Then shoot." Thinks raise, thinks promotion, thinks weekend in Carmel with Xander to celebrate.

"You have to give him up." Smile still in place, eyes same pale shade of blue, faint amusement that's always there. No anger, no pity. Nothing to denote the jagged crack forming in Lindsey's world, and he thinks there should be some sign outside his own mind.

"Who?" Reeling from the shock, can't believe it's possible for him to be talking about -

"You know who, Lindsey. The firm has nothing against alternative lifestyles, I think that's rather obvious. But we have appearances to keep up, and you're dating outside your social circle."

Holland perches on the end of Lindsey's desk. Fatherly demeanor, airs of this being for his own good. Chant going on right between Lindsey's eyes //notthisnotthisnotthis//. He doesn't blink.

"I don't think..." Knows there's no ground to play on here, no way Holland is ever going to relent, but he had to say something, at least TRY

"No, you don't think. A stripper? Really, Lindsey. What was going through that steel-trap? I'm sure he has his...*talents*, but why don't you find yourself a pretty neurologist or an architect?" Stands, brushes an invisible fleck of lint from his immaculate suit jacket and increases the smile by a centimeter or two. "I expect this to be resolved with all due expedience."

Watching Leland's back vanish through the door to his office and close behind him, Lindsey feels his legs give out from under him, a list to the side, and he's collapsing onto the floor. Doesn't even try to stop the fall, just lets his body go limp. Can't bring himself to move. Rests his head against the cool wood of the drawer next to him and feels nothing.

He knows who did this. He knows why. Not for the first time he wonders if he would be able to get out of this job alive. If he were to just walk into Leland's office in the morning with his resignation if he would make it out of the building. If he were to split, pack his things and get the hell out of LA, how long it would take them to track him down and how many pieces his body would end up in, identification through dental records.

Pulls himself to his feet. Starts working out the plan to cover his tracks for the foreseeable future. Meeting Xander at neutral locations, a different one each time. Doesn't know if the boy is up to it. If he could pull it off, live with the stress. But giving him up completely is not in the game plan. His life is worth little, always a hair's breath from being snatched away, but all he does have is wrapped up in the tender brown eyes, the shiny black curls and the sardonic wit of Alexander LaVelle Harris.

He'll figure it out. Or he'll die. Like always.

+++++++++++

Outside Xander's door, and the drive was a blur. All streets and stoplights and time to himself, by himself. Time to work himself up into such a state that Xander is immediately scared when he opens the door to let him in.

"What's wrong, Lin. Are you ok? Are you hurt or something?" Pulling him into the apartment, closing the door, running frantic eyes all over as he tries to spot a wound, knows that Lindsey doesn't have a clue about the things that go bump in the night, and maybe one of his worst fears actually happened, again.

"No, I'm not hurt. It's nothing like that." //Not on the outside, not where you can fix it// Runs both hands through his hair over and over until Xander catches hold of one and makes him stop.

"Then, what." Frown and crease to the brow visible even through the perpetual tangle of hair that covers it.

Not moving further into the apartment, still standing at the door. Body so tense it's almost vibrating, and Xander can nearly see the stress/anger waves radiation off of him. Lindsey sighs. "It's something with my work."

"You lose a case? You shoot everyone and need me to help you hide the bodies?" Kidding, but not at the same time. Deeper frown. Eyes getting that white gloss to them, and Lindsey congratulates himself on managing to string Xander out in less than five minutes.

"Not that I don't appreciate your willingness to be an accomplice after the fact, but there aren't any bodies. Yet." Finally lets Xander lead him over to the couch. First time in what feels like forever that they haven't spent their first five minutes together after any kind of separation satisfying the need to touch and kiss and reassure themselves that it's still happening.

"Oh, so you need me for the actual killing. I could do that. Pop a cap in their asses." Mimes the whole finger-gun routine, crosses his arms in a poor imitation of any given gangsta rapper album cover. Breaks the tension just a little.

Lindsey laughs."No, Xan. No killing for now, it's something else."

Lindsey thinks his face might actually crack when he smiles. It hurts, muscles strained from the effort of keeping the facade in place. He saw Lilah in the hallway that afternoon and actually managed to not walk over and snap her scrawny chicken neck on the spot. Gritted his teeth and refused to let her see that she had gotten to him. Again. Contemplated some of his favorite death-to-Lilah scenarios as a mantra for the rest of the day and managed somehow not to fall completely apart again.

"K, well. Here I am. Tell me all the badness." Xander genuinely believes that talking is going to make this better, thinks that letting things get spoken and thrown into the light will make them lesser evils somehow. Lindsey wishes it were true.

"My boss told me to stop seeing you." There. Said it, straight out, and oh, it hurt to see the reaction flood across Xander's face. Lindsey wonders if he would have looked like that this afternoon if he hadn't been so well trained in the fine art of covering his ass and any emotions that might betray a weakness to an opponent .

"What?" Xander takes a deep breath. Blinks one time too many for it to be a casual reaction kind of thing. "OK, not prepared for that. So, we're breaking up? I knew this would happen. It's ok..."

Babbling and sort of pulling away from him on the sofa, and that's the final straw, someone else hurting Xander, and it's *him* goddamnit, //it's not the first time, either, you asshole.// Catches his hand and squeezes it, holds him there before he can put any more space between them. "We're not fucking breaking up!"

"You're getting a new job then?" Total confusion there, and Lindsey feels him shaking, quivering on the seat beside him, and his protection instinct kicks into gear.

He wishes fervently for the mental powers of some of his choicer clients so he could go have a drink in a crowded bar with a few dozen people for an instant alibi while he sent sonic thought waves through Lilah Morgan's brain until her head exploded. But right now needs to be about Xander, about the two of them, and letting him know that it was going to be OK. Difficult, but workable.

"No. Plan C, we're gonna be discrete. Keep to ourselves more. Not be obvious." Sees some relief settle into Xander's frame, pulls him over so that they're shoulder to shoulder on the couch. Body contact. Comfort. Lindsey sighs.

Xander's talking again, voice quiet, almost back to normal as the shell shock begins to recede. "This I know how to do. Trust me. On secret relationships, I'm the expert. But, how did they find out?"

"Lilah." One word, venom in both syllables, and if thoughts could kill...he's back to head explosion.

"Ah. So, are we gonna hide her body soon?" Smiling now, and Xander still nurses a resentment that just matured into a full blown and active grudge, bonding through hate, it's a new level to their relationship.

"If I wouldn't be the prime suspect we might be doing that right now. Look, Xan, I know this sucks, and it's a lot to ask you, but I can't think of anything else to do right now."

Eyes so honest and genuinely terrified that Xander has to look away. Contemplates the doorway to the bedroom with great interest. "Lindsey, I understand, you work for some huge law firm, they have rules. I just don't want you ruining your life over me."

"I have no life without you." Voice so quiet, Xander could almost believe he imagined it. Turns back to look, sees Lindsey opening his mouth to say it again and stops him. Leans over as Lindsey shifts on the couch and now they're facing each other, foreheads and knees touching, hands on each other's thighs, reassurance of presence.

Xander stares down at Lindsey's hands as he takes a deep, centering breath. Clears his throat and begins talking in a slow, measured, gotta-get-this-out-in-the-right-order kind of way. Won't look up when he starts talking. "I know this might not be the best time for this, but since we're being all open, and declaring things, and all that stuff...I just wanted to tell you, I mean, well, I think I'm falling in love with you."

"Xander..."

Tangles his fingers into Lindsey's and stops him "No, don't derail this humiliation train. I haven't ever felt like this about another guy. I didn't know I could, I mean, yeah, great sex and what I mean is fucking mind-blowing sex, but that isn't even the important thing anymore. I just want to be around you, to see you, to know you're happy." Looks up finally when Lindsey takes his free hand and cups it under Xander's chin, forcing him into the eye to eye he was avoiding. Natural reaction, fall back on the protection of denial.

Lindsey can feel his chest constricting, his voice cracks when he speaks. "Baby, you didn't humiliate yourself. I feel the same way. Every minute I spend away from you is a countdown until I'm with you again. I need you. I love you."

He's never said that before, never even gotten close to thinking it until Xander, and all he wants to do is prove that he means it. This is the something splendid and worthy that he's never dreamed would be his, and he doesn't know how to touch it. How to keep it whole and intact without shattering it by being too close. Words are cheap to him; he twists them all day long to make them work for him so that at this point in his life he has no faith in anything that comes out of his own mouth. He has to be sure Xander feels how real this is to him, clear and pure of any ulterior motive There's nothing else in his life that is anything close to that.

Lindsey's mouth brushes over Xander's, and they're both moving so carefully. Motion almost choreographed for the most pleasing reaction. Lips and tongue slide, and Xander's standing, pulling Lindsey to his feet, leading him to the bedroom.

Clothing comes off, breaks in between each one to caress newly bared skin, fingers trailing lightly to find favorite spots to touch and be touched. On the bed and skin to skin, first Lindsey on top, mouth covering every inch of Xander's body, working his way up from the soft silk of his inner thighs, past the cock that jerks with need at every licking stroke of tongue, nails lightly scratching the dark line of hair below Xander's navel as Lindsey moves up and up again. Nipples suckled and nipped, throat licked, earlobes explored with the tip of his tongue and finally back to that open, wet mouth.

Allows himself to be rolled and Xander's above him.

Mirroring Lindsey's earlier motions, Xander lets his tongue travel from ear to neck, finds the place that makes Lindsey shiver every time he hits it and nuzzles into it. Kisses, warm and wet, feels the other man buck under him just once, gentles him by raising himself on knees and elbows. Waits, waits, then leans up and runs his hands over Lindsey's chest. Fingertips circle his nipples, again and again. He bends to put his mouth there. Feels the rush of wetness between them, doesn't know if it's his own need or Lindsey's that's pooling on their skin, doesn't care. Back up on his knees, and Xander's watching Lindsey's eyes fall closed, his legs dropping open. One hand comes up off the bed and beckons Xander closer. That hand cupping his face, Xander just melts into it, allows Lindsey to pull him down on top, all along the line of their bodies, chest and hip and thigh together as he loses himself in the full softness of Lindsey's mouth.

Rolling again, and Xander's legs are over Lindsey's shoulders, Lindsey's fingers are inside of him, curling to find the right place that sends Xander arching up off the bed with a shout. And does it again, and again, until Xander tells him to stop, to be inside of him, please, please.

Lindsey slides over the bed to get the condom out of the drawer, and Xander bats his hand away. "Not this time, just inside. Just you."

Can't resist the offer of perfect pleasure freely given, groaning as he presses in, tight and hot and Xander's rising to meet him, pushing him in all the way slicked up with spit and pre-come. Lindsey lets himself fall forward slowly until he's face to face with him, starts to rock them both. The angle of his body brings him in constant contact with the head of Xander's cock as it strains up away from his belly. Breath coming hard and fast for them both, and they murmur to each other to come, come now, come for me, baby.

Lindsey first, and Xander not far behind, long shuddering freefall that ends with them wrapped together in a pile of tangled sweaty limbs, reluctant to break apart at all, trying to find some position that leaves them joined. Lindsey spoons himself to Xander's back, tucks his knees in the bend of the other's, his arm under Xander's across his chest. Not an inch between them, pressed as close as second skin, and they drift.

Indefinite amount of time later and Lindsey wakes. Looks at the clock on the bedside table and isn't surprise to see how late it is. Whispers Xander's name, and gets a quiet "I'm awake" in reply.

"I gotta get home. Who knows when the boss's gonna call to make sure I'm out looking for some new, more acceptable boyfriend." He's never wanted to stay more than he does tonight, but there's no way he can. It breaks his heart all over again to get up and watch Xander roll over right away into the space that Lindsey was just occupying, watches him bury his face in the pillow his own head just rested on. Might fall apart knowing that Xander isn't ashamed in the least to show that he needs to be where Lindsey was seconds before.

"Ok, I understand."

"I'll call you later."

"I'll be here waiting." Lindsey bends down to kiss him before gathering up his clothes and dressing.

Kisses him again, fingers in the black curls "Love you."

"Love you more." Soft smile to take with him for the drive home, and Lindsey is gone, door clicking shut behind him.

Xander rolls out of bed and hits the shower. Feels his hands shaking as he soaps up. Feels the tears mingling on his face with the spray from the shower. Lets it happen. Dries off, dresses, and sees the round splash marks on his black t-shirt as the crying jag continues. Grabs the duffle bag out of the closet and systematically collects his belongings from around the apartment.

Walks over to the bedstand last. Clasps the Patek Phillipe on his wrist.

Decided before Lindsey even finished telling him about making it work and laying low where he was going to spend the night. He can't let Lindsey wreck his career over him. Can't ruin anymore lives with his selfish desires and needs. Grabs a wad of toilette paper from the bathroom, slings his bag over his shoulder and heads out the door to the bus station. Sunnydale or bust.

end part v

Go on to Falling Part I: Over The Ledge



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