Thursday, March 14, 2002
10 Things I Hate Like About Me
Olwen did a really nice entry the other day. She listed some things she really likes about herself, which is not only refreshing, it's also pretty damn cool. Since we all tend to be our own worst critic, it was fun to see what I could come up with. It was hard, getting out of that mind frame of "what's wrong with me, what do I need to fix" and into one that was about "ok, this works for me" so ten things wasn't really going to happen. But I did come up with this much:
1. My eyes -- I really like the color of my eyes. They aren't particularly big or especially stunning in appearance no matter how much mascara I use, but they're pretty. I've been complimented on them enough to be able to now say "thanks" without finding a way to turn it down when it happens.
2. My mouth -- When I was younger, I was teased mercilessly about my mouth. too wide, too big, and no, not in the way where I don't ever shut up. Now that I'm older, I kind of like it. Even if I have been accused (jokingly) of drawing that upper bow too perfectly.
3. My skin -- For a girl who's been called Snow White, I'm pretty lucky. I have nice skin, relatively unmarred, not prone to breakouts. I like the freckles on my face and I even like the ones on my shoulders. It's good skin, pale and pretty.
4. My heart -- I call myself a doormat, and it might even be true. But the thing is, I like being open to people, to giving them the benefit of almost every single doubt. I'm shy to the point of not even liking to talk on the phone to most people, but if you're my friend, I will stand by you no matter what. I love deeply, and it takes forever for me to get over it. I know this means I tend to get hurt easily, but in the long run I get much more good than bad out of the deal.
5. My sense of humor -- oh yes. I'm quite happy with what my brain files away as amusing.
6. My mind -- I'm nobody's idea of a genius. I'm untrained and unable to make those wonderful insights into the things I enjoy or even the ones I dislike. But my mind is, for the most part, pretty damn quick. I retain things easily for short term, and if you give me hands on training, I retain them forever. I'm a visual learner, so while books are great to use, I need to SEE how it works instead of hearing it. I like the way I put things down when I write - every sense comes into play most of the time, and that's because it's how I perceive the things I write about. If my work is praised for "atmosphere" then I know I got it out just the way I imagined it. I'm lousy with the little details, which is why I refused to take any of those tests that went around a while ago. I can't tell you your dog's name unless the dog and I have met, no matter how many times you mention him in your blog. But I can remember the way you laugh, or the way your perfume smells or what we had for dinner the night we hung out. I might miss out on little things, I might even miss your birthday unless I have an emailed reminder of it, but once I know YOU, I don't forget who you are in ways that have nothing to do with when you were born or what color your room is.
I came up with 6. I am impressed with myself. A year ago, I couldn't have done this. A year ago I was barely becoming someone I liked enough to allow myself to meet new people. Much of this -- in fact nearly ALL of this -- comes from the people I have met. Donna was my very first online friend in the fandom. She opened me up to all of the rest by actually taking the time to talk to me, chat with me. She let me feel that maybe, maybe, someone else in this world might actually like me to. I admired her (and still do) so much that her friendship gave me the confidence to meet Jess, Kassie, Katie, Puca, and through that chain reaction, the rest of you out there. And, thanks to her friendship with Sam, and my extreme fangirl slobbering over Sam's A/S Kiss picture to the point where I think I might have driven Donna slightly over the edge from hearing it, she introduced us online one night.
Donna, I owe you a box of Godiva big enough for you to live in for that, babydoll. *G*
posted by Lar at 10:55 AM | link
Wednesday, March 13, 2002
Missing Out -- Or Not
OK so I missed "Dead Things" when it aired because I am a brain-dead little git who forgot to turn off the VCR despite the big flashing "TURN OFF VCR TO ENABLE TIMER RECORDING" sign. Whatever, this is what reruns are for. I already knew about the ep from spoilers everywhere and I read the wildfeed the next day to see if I had indeed missed anything other than the Infamous Bronze Scene. Will I watch it when it reruns? Well, sure if I'm in front of the TV or if I manage to record it this time.
So last night I missed the other Big Episode, the title of which I do not even know (whoa - brain melt, I don't know the title of an ep? I'm getting to the point, really) thanks to hockey being on UPN at Buffytime. Ironically, Sam went to bed last night by 8:00 our time -- which is at least an hour or so ahead of our usual time to tear ourselves away from DF and each other. Anyway - perhaps it was early withdrawal symptoms or something because my brain wouldn't focus enough to recall that No Buffy does not also mean No Smallville. In my head, all my shows are still on the WB. Hence Lar wandering around aimlessly, flipping through cable channels and missing "Zero." *sigh* Not that it would have done me much good to have seen it -- my brain was all over the place, orbiting in wildly increasing and decreasing spirals around "March 22-Blackpool-Sam" and tuning out everything else. Including "Bridget Jones' Diary" on whatever Prism has become here in Cableland.
As Ins is wont to say (in her own format of course): Hi I'm Lar and I'm addicted to my girlfriend.
"Hi, Lar!"
Yes indeed. Addiction is eating my brain in the most delightful way. I don't want an intervention. I do want someone to magically produce the thing I need to move to England and stay there longer than the 6 months allowed from what I've been able to find. Again this might just be my brain off in the mists and all but I can't seem to find a way to get over there and stay there. Kate? Thoughts? Suggestions? Random websites that offer hints?
Nine days. Single digits. I won't share the squee with you -- I'm sure you can imagine it on your own.
posted by Lar at 9:43 AM | link
Sunday, March 10, 2002
I Left My Heart...
I kind of noticed this thing happening and since it was not a happy thing, I ignored it and told it to "please fuck off, thing, I am not seeing you." And it listened to me about as well as my kids do. Which means it's still here, harassing me. (Actually if it listened like my kids it would be harassing the cats into a frenzy and complaining that there's no soda in the fridge. But I digress.)
The thing is this -- lots of the people I know best are drifting or have drifted away. Well, we know why a lot of it happened. Or I theorize why anyway -- the horror that is the S6/S3 of Buffy and Angel. The shiny, glittery slashiness of Smallville. The raw sex of QAF. The pretty things that are the Boybands. The big pervy hobbit fanciers of LoTR. Whatever it is that lured them away from what is my homebase fandom, they're almost all completely gone. Yes, I still have some who haven't gone away at all (Sam, Donna, Jess) and some who left and still drop a thing of beauty on me now and then (Pet, MaryB). And this is not to say that because they are all wrapped in other fandoms, we're all non-speaking or anything. Because hello, we're not 5 here. It's just this thing and, well *sigh*. I came to the Buffy fandom when I was at a really low point in my life. I fell in love with the show and then with the fandom (despite the minefields) and I gave it my heart. I thought that I could do the same for other shows -- Smallville (which Kass mocked me for watching, thank you so much) and QAF (which would have stood a damn good chance of keeping me if I had Showtime) are wonderful and pretty and slashy and fun. The SV fic I've read by some of the best Buffy writers has really made me WANT to fall in love there. I just... can't.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I fell so hard for Buffy because there was nothing and no one else for me to love then. And now, that's so not the case. There's love and friends and obsessions galore. I've made more real connections through this fandom in the time I've been here than I made in my entire life. Sad really when you look at how pathetic my life must have been, but not in the long run. Because there are people here who never hesitate to let me bitch and moan, to say it's OK when I go Drama Queen on them. Who let me be part of their lives, and keep me in the fandom with their thoughts and rants and essays on Buffy, Angel, fandom in general, and any aspect of writing, watching or creating that you can imagine. Strong willed, strong minded, deeply devoted and sometimes scarily intelligent folks, these people here. I like them. I love them. I refuse to attempt to match this in any other fandom because I know in my heart it just won't happen.
So yes, I watch Smallville. And I get the lust -- I feel the lust, believe me. And while we're at it, Brian Kinney is still a god, JC is a beautiful thing and very much sex on a stick, but Legolas is still the prettiest.
But my heart's still in Sunnydale, with pieces in LA, Belize, Nepal and riding shotgun in a really old truck headed towards the formerly evil lawyerboy's roots, or something like that.
And in 12 days, all of me will be with Sam, at which point not too much else will matter.
posted by Lar at 9:53 PM | link
